just for fun

[ashbash]

Seeing as we are going to keep all the gags together in the one thread i thought we could start with the infamous little johnny


LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN!!
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his offering.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.............

[ashbash]

Husband is at home watching a
football match when his wife interrupts,

'honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now.'

he looks at her and says angrily,
'fix the lights now? Does it look like i have 'powergen' written on my forehead?
I don't think so!'

'fine!'

then the wife asks,
'well then, could you fix the fridge door?
It won't close right'

to which he replied,
'fix the fridge door?
Does it look like i have 'fridgidaire'
written on my forehead?
I don't think so!'

'fine!' she says
'then you could at least fix the steps
to the front door? They are about to break'

'i'm not a carpenter and i don't
want to fix steps', he says, 'does it look like i have 'taylor woodrow' written on my forehead?
I don't think so! I've had enough of this, i'm going to the pub!!!!'

so he goes to the pub and drinks for a
couple of hours................

He starts to feel guilty about how
he treated his wife, and decides
to go home

as he walks into the house he notices
that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house , he sees the
hall light is working

as he goes to get a beer, he notices
the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, 'how'd all this get fixed?'
she said, 'well, when you left i sat
outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him.
He offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.'

he said,
'so what kind of cake did you bake?'

she replied, 'hellooooo.., do you see 'mr kipling' written on my forehead? I don't think so!'

[ashbash]

Proud to be a Scotsman

I found this clip of an old Scotsman trying to get home by the looks of it he has ****ed himself and is have trouble trying to walk a straight line I just about fell of my chair watching the end of the clip
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=adb_1280933297

[PatBlock]

What about that bloke trying to cross the rope-bridge! Had me in tears.

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=74f_1179299760

-

[hotpot]

nice ashbash , made me laugh

[ashbash]

this is a real letter of complaint sent in Edinburgh

Subject: A must read! - Genuine complaint to Edinburgh polis


Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant
?????????

*****************************************8

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ???
?????????????
Community Beat Officer

*****************************


Dear PC ?????

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.

Regards
???????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department.

[gem]

The parrot died...

The Parrot Died ...

At dawn the telephone rings . . .

"Hello, Senor Rod?" This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot - he is dead."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.""Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane?? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??"

"The one that destroyed your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new custom built Hunt and Osbourne cue."





SILENCE...........











LONG SILENCE.........











LONGER SILENCE.........











"Ernesto, if you have broken my new cue, you're in deep ****!!"

[ADR147]

I found this clip of an old Scotsman trying to get home by the looks of it he has ****ed himself and is have trouble trying to walk a straight line I just about fell of my chair watching the end of the clip
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=adb_1280933297

why does this not shock me!

[ADR147]

The Parrot Died ...

At dawn the telephone rings . . .

"Hello, Senor Rod?" This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot - he is dead."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.""Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane?? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??"

"The one that destroyed your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new custom built Hunt and Osbourne cue."





SILENCE...........











LONG SILENCE.........











LONGER SILENCE.........











"Ernesto, if you have broken my new cue, you're in deep ****!!"

based on this song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdLUV0hhYZY

[gem]

Nice find there.

[ashbash]

"Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these
years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks,

"What happened?"

His wife replies,

"Margie referred me to a hypnotist.

He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at
myself and repeat

'I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'

It worked!

The headaches are all gone."

Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says,

"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in the bedroom these last few years.

Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can
do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home,
rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries
her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll
be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few
minutes later and jumps into bed
and makes passionate love to his wife like never
before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right
back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round
two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right
back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there,
in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the
mirror and saying,

"She's not my wife.

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife!"

His funeral service will be held on Saturday

[jrc750]

A wife goes to the Doctors with her husband for his checkup.
Afterwards the Doctor calls the wife in alone.
"your husband is suffering from very severe stress. If you dont do the following your husband may die. Each morning give him oral sex, then prepare him a healthy breakfast, be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritous meal. For dinner make an especially nice meal everyday. Dont ever nag him & make love to him whenever he wants it and just how he wants it. After a few years you'll have him fully fit again."
On the way home the husband asks "well what did the doctor say ?"
"your going to die" she replied

[ashbash]

Little Johnny

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."

The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says,
"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats f*cking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

[bongo]

Two people walked into a bar, you would have thought one of them would have seen it.

[ashbash]

Two people walked into a bar, you would have thought one of them would have seen it.

Taxi for i bongo i think lol