just for fun

[ashbash]

Men and women...
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was s going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.... but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[ashbash]

Worng email address

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[ashbash]

Ear Infection

Ear Infection
This is so true!

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my d1ck', he replied.


The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't p1ss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!

[ashbash]

NEW Heineken Commercial

if heineken did closets they would be like this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1ZZreXEqSY

[DandyA]

cheap flights ...

cheap flights ... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAg0lUYHHFc

[magicman]

Storm

Tim Minchen - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujUQn0HhGEk

[ashbash]

Poor frog

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a
flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of
"a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he
wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the
money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she
told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of
the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said "No".

The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots
after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it,
the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the
Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in
the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a
baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me
because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She
will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get
back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her
one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to
bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the
milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the
***** who ran over my FROG!"

[ashbash]

Do you know the answer ?

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.



On your left side is a 'drop off' , (The ground is 18-24 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you ...




In front of you is a galloping horse , which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it ...




Behind you is a galloping zebra . Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you ...




What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation ?

[ADR147]

switch the cruise control on and tune to radio 4 ?

[jrc750]

......What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation ?

Wake up from this crazy dream ????
just got it - get off the kids fairground ride

[jrc750]

Fairy tale

The World's shortest (and happiest) fairy tale

Once upon a time a bloke asked a girl "will you marry me?"
the girl said "NO!"

And the bloke lived happily ever after and had sex with all her mates and rode motorcycles and went to strip clubs and played snooker and drank beer and ate curry and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted ....the end

[ashbash]

Wake up from this crazy dream ????
just got it - get off the kids fairground ride

well done that man. it took me ages, to work that one out. lol

[ADR147]

The World's shortest (and happiest) fairy tale

Once upon a time a bloke asked a girl "will you marry me?"
the girl said "NO!"

And the bloke lived happily ever after and had sex with all her mates and rode motorcycles and went to strip clubs and played snooker and drank beer and ate curry and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted ....the end

lol i like that one.

[flame]

a yorkshire terrier,a collie and a great dane were at the vets,the yorkshire terrier said, my owners are having me put down because i keep biting the kids and scratching the furniture and paintwork,the collie said my owners are having me put down because they can't house train me, i keep cr**ping and p****ing everywhere in the house,the great dane said the other day my mistress was taking a shower,i was lay on the landing as usual,she dropped the soap on the floor,got out of the shower, and bent down to pick the soap up,well i thought what an opportunity, so i dived on her and gave her a good seeing to,so she's having you put down asked the collie,no said the great dane, i'm having my nails clipped.

[ashbash]

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a cafe, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this - not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that ****ing fence wasn't electrified."