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very good 
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) hilarious thread
Regards,
sarah_9calloptionputoption.comComment
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The Pastor's Ass
The Pastor's Ass
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the next
race and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered
the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid
of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline
the
next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so
she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being too
concerned about public opinion
can
bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your
life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and
live longer!
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The pharmacist
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'
The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
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like that a lot
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Risqué riddles
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q.What is the difference between ' ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!
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The Hotel Bill
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'
Donald frowned and said, 'No.'
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. 'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms
'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put it on your bill?
'No!' Donald quacked, 'I'll thuffocate'
:snooker:Comment
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An old one but still funny.
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer replied.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" asked the Leprechaun.
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answered in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise." And with that, the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun said to himself. 'I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want; a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy said. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answered. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He added, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?" the little guy asked.
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer stated. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out €100 notes I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?" asked the Leprechaun.
The golfer blushed, turned his head away in embarrassment, and said shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looked around, then whispered, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What?" exclaimed the Leprechaun in shock and disbelief. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," replied the golfer, "I believe that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."Comment
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Paddy and the Sex Therapist
Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door
he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red
Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first
the right welly, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets
his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his
corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea
stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on
to a pile of hay.
"What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.
"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously
embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in
the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a
tractor".
:snooker:Comment
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Football Boots
Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, & hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed, the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly; she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.
After a little while, the little boy says "Dark in here."
The man, who obviously got a real fright, not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy, says "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250.00."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy, & the lover, are in the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy "OK. How much this time?"
Boy - "£750.00."
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy "Grab your boots, & football; let's go outside & have a game of football.
The boy says "I can't, I sold my ball, & boots."
The father asks "How much did you sell them for & to who?"
The boy says "To a friend of mine for a £1,000.00."
The father says "That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that. That's 4 times what they cost when they were new. I'm going to take you to church & make you confess your terrible sins."
They go to the church & the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth & he closes the door.
The boy says "Dark in here"
The priest says "Don't start that **** again, you little *****, you're in my cupboard now!"Comment
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Why Sharks Circle You!
Two great white sharks were swimming in the ocean and spied survivors of a sinking ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
The wise old Father told his Son,
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did. "Well done, son!
Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did. "Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,
"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied,
"Because they taste better without the sh*t inside
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old but good!Originally Posted by ashbash View PostTwo great white sharks were swimming in the ocean and spied survivors of a sinking ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
The wise old Father told his Son,
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did. "Well done, son!
Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did. "Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,
"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied,
"Because they taste better without the sh*t insideComment
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ok thenOriginally Posted by poolqjunkie View PostPlease dont let this stop.
2 mancs opening a shop in granby street liverpool are sitting in a empty shop waiting on a delivery 1st manc says 2 his m8 bet we av sum scouse twat wanting 2 no wat were selling!!! sure enough within 5 minutes door opens ans a small scouse lad says 'wats us selling in here lar?? manc says, were selling arseholes; without a missing beat scouser replies 'yoy must be doin well theres only 2 left!!!Comment
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