just for fun

[ashbash]

Elephants never forget

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ....

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,

after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and

walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs

and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.





Probably wasn't the same elephant

[ashbash]

Actual letter from someone who ranches (and really should
know better) He writes well and tried this:
I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall,
feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and
eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer.
I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder
and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a
bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags
of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet
away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it
and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie
it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my
rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before,
stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After
about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked
out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the
feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and
stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted
the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could
tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a
little tension on the rope .., and then received an
education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a
deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you
rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling
on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound
for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A
cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a
rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was
no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As
it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the
ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was
not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The
only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many
other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as
quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to
get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I
was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash
in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed
venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the
end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around
its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.
At the time, there was no love at all between me and that
deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture
a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots
where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing
my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across
the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize
that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount
of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't
want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed
to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder -
a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze
chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so
I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?

They do! I never in a million years would have thought that
a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ...
I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed
hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like
being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let
go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit
bull... They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to
freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking
instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several
minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being
smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that
claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the
tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand
and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the
day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear
right up on their back feet and strike right about head and
shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I
learned a long time ago that, when an animal --like a horse
--strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away
easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and
make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will
usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse... This was a deer, so obviously, such
trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I
devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and
tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT
to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that
there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of
the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after
all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil,
because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the
back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does
not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that
the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back
and jump up and down on you while you are laying there
crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went
away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they
bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds..

All these events are true so help me God... An Educated,
Bruised and Bleeding Rancher.......................

[ashbash]

Paddy the accountant

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the Irish accountancy exam.
Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?
Paddy: Five.
Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Five.
Examiner: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Paddy: Four.
Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Five.
Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home!

Visited Paddy Last Night
Went down last night to visit ma mate paddy , He is in an awful state howling and crying ,i said wots up paddy , he said my dads just died , 2 minutes later hie gets a phone call and comes off the phone ten times worse , i said paddy what happened there , paddy says you wouldnt believe it , that was my sister on the phone , her dad just died too .

paddy the boxer

paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical.
a few days later the doctor calls him " paddy , you have got sugar diabetes "
paddy replies " no problem doc, when do i mfight him"

[ashbash]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's Teacher says,
"Whoever can answer the following questions can have a half day off school. Who said : ' Ask not what your country can do for you.....' " before Johnny can open his mouth, little Nancy shouts out, " John F Kennedy Miss!!"
Teacher says, " Very good Nancy, you may go "
Teacher then asks, " Who said, 'I have a dream.....' "
Before Johnny can answer, Mary shouts out, "Martin Luther King Miss!!"
"Very good, Mary ! You may go"
Johnny is fuming, and, just as the teacher turns around, says, "I wish those b*tches would keep their f*ck*ng mouths shut !!"
Teacher turns round and asks, " Who said that ?!! "
Johnny replies, " Wayne Rooney, Miss. See you tomorrow!! "

[gem]

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother,

"Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground".

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut".

Relaxing, with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No.....Salty"

[gem]

His request approved, the BBC News photographer quickly used a mobile phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger..

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why ?!?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for the BBC, he responded, and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor ?!?'

[gem]

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather..
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his bus.
3. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
4. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
5. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
6. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
7. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
8. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
9. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
10. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
11. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
12. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
13. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
14. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
15. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
16. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
17. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
18. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
19. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
20. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
21. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong
22. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
23. Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything,
but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
24. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
25. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station..
26. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak up and remove all doubt.
27. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
28. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
29. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
30. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,
they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
31. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
32. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
33. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
34. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
35. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?
36. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
37. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
38. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
39. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
40. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
41. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
42. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
43. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
44. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
45. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says
"In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
46. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
47. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
48. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
49. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
50. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

[gem]

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland.

One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a
young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy!

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my
congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and
forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her
arms to steady her.

When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up
on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said,

"Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said,
"No no you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."

The landlord nodded and said, "Ah well, if yer
that far in, ye might as well finish."

[ashbash]

We Repair Anything

seen this and made me giggle. Did We Mention We Repair Anything

[jrc750]

Met a girl in the park last night and there was an instant spark between us, she fell to my feet and as i started to make mad passionate love to her, it was at this point i thought to myself.......... these tazer guns are well worth the money !!!!!

[jb134]

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.' The Arabs asked, 'Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.' 'Can you give us an example?' 'Thou shall not kill.' 'Not kill? We're not interested'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honour thy Father and Mother.' 'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.' The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.' 'Not steal We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacra blue!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,

'I have Commandments.'
'Commandments?'

They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

There, that should offend just about everybody.

[ashbash]

I woke up this mornin and just new something was wrong ..... I came down the stairs and my mrs was laying on her back with a carving knife sticking out of her chest ......
I thought feck what im i gonna do ???





Then i remembered macdonalds do breakfasts untill 10 30 am

[Acrowot]

Military Time

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies inattendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of
action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,

"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I
hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me."

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch,

"I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)
:snooker:

[shamreez]

good ones

You have got some real good ones specially the one with the custom built cue..
Will be sharing some a few which I really like

[shamreez]

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health
club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 yrs ago, I decided
it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr
old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get
started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find
Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I
enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the
whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy
iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were
a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on
top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other **** too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full
snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.
When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the
rowing machine - which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the
world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain,
I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents
in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am
sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.)

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show
up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the
TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also
pray that next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.