just for fun

[ashbash]

3 blondes walking in the woods and they wander upon some tracks.1st blonde says "these are deer tracks",2nd one says "no they're badger tracks",3rd blonde says"no, they're fox tracks".
Sadly while they were arguing they were all killed by the train!!!!

[Acrowot]

Moriss goes to the Doctor

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his
wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make
love.

About 6 hours later, the husband
goes to his wife and says,

'Honey, you know I now have
only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees,
and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,

'Honey, please... just one
more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,'
and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife
rolls over and falls asleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down
to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.

Do you think we could....'

At this point the wife sits
up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

:snooker:

[ashbash]

Blonde joke Replacement windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo, ........... just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year, I told him!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

[ashbash]

desperate for water

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!



'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.




"Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a tie

[ashbash]

naming the boat

stupid or very brave????

[Acrowot]

Rugby League Fan




A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when
he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning
from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for
everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given
birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.


Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25
pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's
about average in Yorkshire ... like I said, my boy's a
typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.'
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid
many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually
fainted due to sympathy pains.


Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender
says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in
two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'



The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little
suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25
pounds the day he was born!'

The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender
and proudly says,
'Had him circumcised...'

:snooker:

[ADR147]

A true story from the Mount Isa in Queensland.
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk..

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the Police car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

[jrc750]

Like that very clever

[Acrowot]

Twenty Dollars

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex. These holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments..

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.
:snooker:

[Acrowot]

Two Old Friends



Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike
says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on
Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get
to
Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend
for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep
by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,
"Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad
news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet,
all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that,
we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never
rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never
get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's
the bad news?

"You're in the team for this Saturday."

:snooker:

[jrc750]

Hammer

(Sorry for bleeps, dont want to get banned lol)

Man is in court for a double murder.
The judge says "you are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
Man at the back of the courtroom yells out "bleep"
The room goes silent, the judge continues "you are also charged with beating your wife's lover to death with a hammer."
Again the man yells out "you bleeping bleep"
The judge having enough, looks at the man and says "sir, i can understand your anger at this crime but i will have no more outbursts, if you have anything to say, say it now."
The man gets up and says "for 15 years i lived next door to that bleep & everytime i asked to borrow a bleeping hammer he said he didn't have one !!"

[Acrowot]

Banned from the Co-op




Banned from the Co-op – Didn’t like shopping there anyway

Yesterday I was at my local CO-OP buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from the Co-op.

Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
:snooker:

[jrc750]

With the current market turmoil, what's the easiest way to make a small fortune?
Start off with a large one.
(joke from bbc website)

[ashbash]

Looking the next job

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,


"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub..
What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road,"
explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him:
:

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,


"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck.
"Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?"

Repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again.


"With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers
who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says.........





"What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer??!"

[ashbash]

Don't mess with old folk.

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted
by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of
your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners...
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any
money!''
and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it
wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said.
''Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration.''
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway
carpet.


Now if this vaccum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."


The old lady stepped back and said, "well let me
get you a fork,
'cause they cut off my electricity this
morning."