just for fun

[Krypton]

lol, "just for fun" - couldn't have got it better...

[ADR147]

lol, "just for fun" - couldn't have got it better...

well i guess it could have been fun!

[DandyA]

The Divorced Barbie Doll

A father on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The salesperson rolls her eyes and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's B*lls.

[ashbash]

retirement

After 35 years of work in postal services, a postman is preparing for
retirement and he works his last day as a postman.

One family gives him a pen as a gift, another one gives him a
keyring, and when he rings at the third door, a glamorous blonde
appears at the door, holds his hand and takes him to the bedroom where
they spend two hours having the most amazing "Sex".
After the shower she prepares breakfast: eggs with bacon and orange
juice then she gives him a £5 note.
During the meal, he was delirious and asked: "Can you explain all of
this to me...?!?"

The Blonde says: "Yesterday, I told my husband that our postman is
going to be retired and we need to make something special for him, and
he replied:

'**** him! Give him £5!'

..............................but the breakfast was my idea."

[ashbash]

sniffing dog

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off , and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'..

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana,
I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it !' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to **** all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on ?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

[ashbash]

Lost Puppy

dont thinks we need to say anything else!

[ashbash]

The Main Difference between Europe & the USA

The Main Difference between Europe & the USA

[ashbash]

Affairs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

he man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying *******! You've been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife:

'There's no way I canbe the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'No, not this time!'


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest Penis he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented,

'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive Penis.

It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.

'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'



The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be 10p.' '10p?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:

'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'£1,' the barman replied. '"£1?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'


The 6th Affair

Jake was dying.

His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.

'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

[Acrowot]

The Family


Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR ..ck, we'd be riding the bus.

:snooker:

[gem]

Two Aussie builders (Patrick and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.


Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.



Pat: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Pat: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Pat: - Err... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Pat: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.

Pat - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Pat: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Pat:- Yep! Five or six nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Pat: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Pat: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!



Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.



Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Pat - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Pat: - Well then, you're a w***er.

[jrc750]

Nice one gem

[ashbash]

Why Men Have Better Friends

Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[ashbash]

mushroom

who want's a mushroom now?

[ashbash]

Watching football

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
Door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
Within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
With a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
Doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
Old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
Leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
Coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
Door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
Daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
Said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
Thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
Husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
Shopping trip ,
Placed the groceries on the kitchen
Counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
Of all places, the living room. She entered that
Area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
Downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
Like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f... Are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my
Son-in-law.'

[ashbash]

Worldwide Survey

Last month, a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:



"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"





The survey was a huge failure because:




In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
In Britain they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent!