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yap yap yap !!!
the times that i wished i could do this lol
the times that i wished i could do this lol
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Ronnie O Sullivan has just had a A-Z tattooed on his back.
People say he is nuts but at least you know were you are with him!Comment
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Warning
WARNING if you get a email with a link asking to look at tinned meat DON'T OPEN It
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its SPAM!
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I enjoyed that, laughed out loud!!Originally Posted by ashbash View Post
My mate tells me he is worried about his wife. Since the snow arrived all she does is stare through the window.
He says he will have to let her in soon.Comment
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paddy irishman, paddy english man and paddy scotishman are fleeing after rubbery. they turned into the back of the alley and saw 3 sacks, so they hide themselves in them. policy followed and saw 3 sack, they kick the first one, paddy englishman went "warf..", it's a puppy, thought the policy. they kick the second one, paddy scottishman went "mew.." it's a calf. they then kick the last sack, paddy irishman went "potatoes"Comment
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a woman asks her husband not to open the box underneath their bed as it contains her personal secrets on their first day of marriage.
however the husband opened the box a few years later. there are 2000 euros and 3 eggs. so the husband ask his wife,
the wife said" i must confess, honey, everytime i cheat on u, i put an egg into the box"
"it's okay, it is my fault that i did not spend enough time with u. but why there is 2000euros？“
”that is the money i got for selling the eggs"Comment
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u seem unhappy?
tell us, so we can be happyComment
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Woman of ill repute
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.Comment
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Nine words women use
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.Comment
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traffic wardens
you got to love them traffic wardensComment
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lol would not put it past them. simon wiesenthal could have saved himself a lot of time by interviewing traffic wardens in edinburgh!Originally Posted by ashbash View PostComment
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TESCO EMPLOYEE
A man in a London Tesco tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very
young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole
cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy
says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager 'Some prat out
there wants to buy half a cauliflower.'
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy
the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you
got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think
on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
'Liverpool, sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Liverpool?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Liverpool.'
'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who did she play for?'Comment
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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing.
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.....
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house....
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying..
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence...
Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
'Put the beads away Frank , our prayers have been answered!Comment
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