Jokes

[Nina]

Dictionary for women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde Jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

[austrian_girl]

Words that Women Use

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD ( With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD ( Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

[Nina]

AUSTRALIA TOURISM

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour!!

Q. Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q. Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A. Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q. I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A. Sure, it's only three thousand miles, takes lots of water.

Q. Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A. So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q. Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (USA)
A. What did your last slave die of?

Q. Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A. A - f - r - i - c - a is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. A - u - s - t - r - a - l - i - a is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ...... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in King's Cross. Come naked.

Q. Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A. Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q. Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A. Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q. Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A. A-u-s-t-r-ia is that quaint little country bordering Germany, which is ........ oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys' Choir plays every Tuesday night straight after the hippo racing. Come naked.

Q. Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A. You are a British politician right?

Q. Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A. No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q. Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake virus (USA)
A. Rattlesnakes live in A - m - e - r - i - c - a which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q. I have a question about a famous animal in Australia but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees (USA)
A. It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

[snookersfun]

Nina, great thread... keep up the good work

[Nina]

Thanks
I need some help with it though...

My wife and I know the secrets of a strong marriage:

1. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink wine, eat good food, enjoy good company. She goes Tuesday, I go Friday.

2. We sleep in separate beds. She in Milano, I in Genova.

3. I take her everywhere. She always finds the way back home.

4. I ask her where she wanted to go for our wedding anniversary and she said: "in a place where I haven't been a long time". I suggest her the kitchen.

5. We hold our hands always. If I let her go, she starts spending money.

6. She made a loam mask. For two days she was very beautiful. And then she washed the mask off her face...

7. I dind't talk with my wife for the last 11 months. I didn't dare to stop her talking.

8. Last fight was because of me. She asked "what's on tv" and I said "dust"

....

At first, God created the earth and then He rested. After that, He created the man and he rested. After that, He created the woman. And neither the man, neither God ever rested again and ever will...

[snookersfun]

OK, here are some math jokes, which I found a few days ago:

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".
The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".
Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?"
Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."
The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it".
Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system".
Medical Student : "4" All others looking astonished : "How did you know ??" Medical Student : :I memorized it."


Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them, they translate it into their own language, and forthwith it means something entirely different. -- Goethe
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer went to the races and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..."
The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning..."
"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret.
"Well," he says, "first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical..."

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were sitting in a street cafe watching the crowd. Across the street they saw a man and a woman entering a building. Ten minutes they reappeared together with a third person.
- They have multiplied, said the biologist.
- Oh no, an error in measurement, the physicist sighed.
- If exactly one person enters the building now, it will be empty again, the mathematician concluded.

[Nina]

DEFINITIONS

Banker: someone who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and takes it back when it starts to rain.

Diplomat: someone who tells you to go to hell in a way that makes you eager to start the journey.

Headache: method of contraception most widely used by women.

Dancing: the vertical frustration of a horizontal desire.

Economist: an expert that will know tomorrow why that which he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

Monogamy: repressed polygamy.

Nanosecond: fraction of time which occurs between the lights turning green and the car behind honking its horn.

Pessimist: optimist with experience.

Psychologist: someone who looks at everyone else when an attractive woman enters the room.

Teamwork: the possibility of putting the blame on others.

Nymphomaniac: term applied by men to any woman who wants sex more than he does.

[Nina]

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
-The first one tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
-The second Catholic woman chirps "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Grace'."
-The third Catholic woman says smugly "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women giver her this subtle "Well...?"
-She replies "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say "Oh my God...."

[snookersfun]

The physicist and the engineer are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. They yell out for help: "Helllloooooo! Where are we?"
15 minutes later, they hear an echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're in a hot-air balloon!!"
The physicist says, "That must have been a mathematician."
The engineer asks, "Why do you say that?"
The physicist replied: "The answer was absolutely correct, and it was utterly useless."

A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. The (hungry) mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and his favorite meal, perfectly prepared, is placed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every minute, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the meal." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the food!" And he gets up and storms out.
The psychologist ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach the food?" The physicist smiles and replies: "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
"Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."
"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black."
"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"

[Nina]

EMERGENCIES

General advice about what to do in an emergency: If you find yourself in the middle of an emergency, your common sense and instincts will usually tell you what to do. However, it is important to:

* Run.

* Run like hell.

*Follow the advice of the emergency services, unless the advice is something other than run.

* Try to remain calm and think before acting, and try to reassure others. Or, trample them in a desperate attempt to flee as the building you're in is consumed by a radioactive cloud.

* Check for injuries. Here's a hint: if it's painful, then it's probably injured. However, hurting when you pee is probably not an injury related to the incident. But get yourself checked out anyway.

* If you are not involved in the incident but you are close by or believe you may be in danger, in most cases the advice is run.

COPING WITH SPECIFIC EMERGENCIES

1: Reduce fire hazards in your home. Children are the worst fire hazards; consider giving them up for adoption.

2: Fit and maintain smoke alarms - at least one on every floor. But if they go off every time you cook bacon like ours, just take the batteries out.

Unconsciousness: If the person is unconscious with no obvious sign of life, then they're more than likely already dead. Leave them.

Bleeding: Ich, blood! You want to stay well away from that. It can carry nasty things. Just make sure it doesn't get all over the carpets, and if it does, some proper cleaning stuff will fix it up good as new.

Alien invasion: Negotiate using sign language, if possible. Failing that, and assuming they aren't armed with futuristic ray guns, run like hell.

[RaNeN]

One morning at a doctors surgery a patient arrives complaining of
serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what
happened to your back?"
The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This
morning I got home to my apartment
early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had
been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the
balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the
balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed
the fridge and threw it at him,That's how I
strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The
doctor said "My previous patient
looked bad, but you look terrible.What the hell happened to you?"
He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today
was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was
running late. I was
running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you
won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two
patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell
happened to youuuuuu.....?"
Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it down.


ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


A Teacher was giving lecture on population and says
"every 10 seconds a woman gives birth to a kid"
Little Jhonny stands up and says - We must find her
and stop her.

[Nina]

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she shoves the kid in the closet and shuts the door. The husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.

The little boy says "Dark in here."
The man says "Yes, it is."
The boy says "I have a baseball."
Man "That's nice."
Boy "Want to buy it?"
Man "No, thanks."
Boy "My dad's outside."
Man "OK, how much?"
Boy "$250."

The next week, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy "Dark in here."
Man "Yes, it is."
Boy "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy "How much?"
Boy "$750."
Man "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy "$1,000"
The father says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says "Dark in here."

The priest says "Don't start THAT again."

[snookersfun]

chemistry jokes:
Rules of the lab


If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.
First draw your curves, then plot your data.
Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Do not believe in miracles--rely on them.
Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.

A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.
The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously, he was drowned and never returned.
The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.
The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, "The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water".

[austrian_girl]

Bizaar events!

Look what happens when a President gets elected in a year with a "0" at the End. Also notice it goes in increments of 20 years.
1840 William Henry Harrison (died in office)
1860 Abraham Lincoln (assassinated)
1880 James A. Garfield (assassinated)
1900 William McKinley (assassinated)
1920 Warren G. Harding (died in office)
1940 Franklin D. Roosevelt (died in office)
1960 John F. Kennedy (assassinated)
1980 Ronald Reagan (survived assassination attempt)
2000 George W. Bush????????????

And to think that we had two guys fighting it out in the courts to be the one elected in 2000.

-----------

You might also be interested in this. Have a history teacher explain this if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

-----------

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

-----------

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.

-----------

And here's the kicker . . .

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

[DartsMadJohn]

What's brown and sits on a piano stool?

Beethoven's last movement.