Jokes

[MrRottweiler]

Just want to point out my joke above is in no way intended to be offensive. Its by a spoof comedian (played by John Thompson) called Bernard Righton who is a spoof of Bernard Manning and was used on tour with Steve Coogan. All his jokes are based on old offensive jokes but the punchlines are completely unoffensive. Might sound unfunny but believe me it works

[matt01]

Actual call center conversations!

Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get
through; can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of your business."
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking
about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly
states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for
Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall."
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RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I
am traveling in Australia ?"
Operator: "Does the product name give you a clue?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
"If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I
have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please"
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling
is correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell
off."
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in
Scotland ."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number
on."
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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up
until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote
'click'."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your
screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that
I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my
file back again?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this
guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the
WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring
the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was
fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization
for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a
sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the
screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't
accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks
like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and
find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if
it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice
that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there
again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged
securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and
lean way over??"
Caller: "Well, it's not because I don't have the right
angle -- it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only
light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've
got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing
stuff that your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and
pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the
store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell
them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"

[Monique]

This one is authentic and not so old ... I won't disclose who tha lady is.

Lady: It's annoying, I just got that new washing machine and it won't work. I pressed all buttons ... nothing!
My mother: but ... I see it's not plugged anywhere ...
Lady: why? does it need electricity? (nonplussed)
My mother: well ... yes. How do you think it's supposed to function ? (even more nonplussed)
Lady: with water and soap of course (very assertive)

[MrRottweiler]

Monique, that reminds me of a call I took recently at work. It went something like this:

Caller: Hi, just letting you know there are no problems.
Me: I don't understand. Why you are calling?
Caller: Well I was having some problems earlier but my team leader has sorted it out for me.
Me: Have you already called and raised an incident ticket then?
Caller: No, this is the first time I'm calling. My team leader told me to let you know.
Me: So your team leader asked you to report that you had a fault but its been rectified?
Caller: Yes.
Me: Great, thanks for letting me know.

-----

Caller: I've just arrived for work and my computer wont work.
Me: can you be more specific?
Caller: Nothings happening. The screen is black.
Me: Press the power button on the front of the base unit.
Caller: Oh its come on now. What was wrong with it?
Me: It was switched off.

-----

Several people have called before to say their password had been provoked. I think they meant revoked

[The Statman]

A woman goes to the doctor with a small child, concerned about him. "Doctor, I don't know exactly what it is, but he's not eating or sleeping properly, and I'm a bit concerned."

Doctor: "Well, we'd better look at him." The doctor gives the baby a thorough examination but cannot find anything wrong. "Tell me", he asks, "is he bottle fed or breast fed?"

"He's breast-fed," said the woman.

"Well, I ought to examine you as well, then. Could you get on the couch and undress for me?"

The doctor spends quite a while examining her but is puzzled as there seems to be nothing untoward. "Well, I can't find anything wrong there either."

The woman replied, "I wouldn't expect you to; I'm the baby's aunt – but it's been lovely meeting you!"

[Nina]

AUSTRALIA TOURISM

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour!!

Q. Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q. Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A. Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q. I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A. Sure, it's only three thousand miles, takes lots of water.

Q. Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A. So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q. Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (USA)
A. What did your last slave die of?

Q. Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A. A - f - r - i - c - a is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. A - u - s - t - r - a - l - i - a is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ...... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in King's Cross. Come naked.

Q. Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A. Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q. Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A. Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q. Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A. A-u-s-t-r-ia is that quaint little country bordering Germany, which is ........ oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys' Choir plays every Tuesday night straight after the hippo racing. Come naked.

Q. Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A. You are a British politician right?

Q. Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A. No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q. Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake virus (USA)
A. Rattlesnakes live in A - m - e - r - i - c - a which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q. I have a question about a famous animal in Australia but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees (USA)
A. It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

[MrRottweiler]

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat minor

[matt01]

Yard Work

The homeowner got into his old work clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores his wife had been urging him to do all week. He cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and called out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"

The fellow thought for a moment, then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her

[matt01]

Absent-minded professor

One of the world's greatest scientists was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it."

When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."

"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off."

[MrRottweiler]

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major

[matt01]

Bumper stickers

I love animals, they taste great.

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

[matt01]

hi

Rare birds
A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

Judge: "Proceed."

Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"

Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

$100 bill I was at the drugstore and noticed a young male cashier staring at the pretty girl in front of me. Her total came to $16.42, and after handing over a $100 bill, she waited for change. "Here you go," said the cashier, smiling as he returned the proper amount. "Have a great day!"

Now I placed my items on the counter. The tally was $32.79, and I too gave the cashier a $100 bill.

"I'm sorry, Ma'am. We can't accept anything larger than a fifty," he told me, pointing to a sign stating store policy.

"But you just accepted that last girl's hundred," I reasoned.

"I had to," he said. "It had her phone number on it."

[ADR147]

sorry in advance but it made me laugh!

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town; "Where's the ****ing, mother****ing manager, you cock sucking arsewipe?" he enquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken aback and replies; "Excuse me sir but could you refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can".

The manager comes over and the bloke asks; "Are you the chicken-****ing manager of this ******* place?."

"Yes sir, I am" replies the manager, "but I would prefer if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant.

"**** off" replies the bloke "and where's the ****ing piano?"

"Pardon?" says the manager.

"****ing deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of ****, show me your ****ing piano".

"Ah", replies the manager, "you've come about the pianist job" and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"

"Off course I ****ing can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

"That's superb. What's it called?"

"I tried to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my dick," replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent," cries the manager. "What's it called?"

"I wanted a wank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard.

"And what's this called?" asks the manager.

"As I **** you under the stars with the moonlight shining off you hairy ring piece," replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night sitting opposite the pianist, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on.

She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out of her black lace bra, the skimpy little "G" string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter dribbles down her chin.

The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to furiously pat the cheetah. He's tugging away feverishly when he hears the manager's voice.

"Where's that ******* pianist?"

He has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.

The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over, boobs in his face and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your knob and your bollocks are hanging out of your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?"

And the bloke replies: "Know it? I ****ing wrote it"

[davis_greatest]

The boss has a gorgeous new secretary, who has been working with him for just a couple of weeks. One day in the office, work keeps piling up, problem follows problem, urgent phone call follows urgent phone call, and the boss and his secretary are rushed off their feet. Finally, at 2.30pm, she rushes out to get them both a small sandwich, which they wolf down while working - until at 7pm the boss decides to call it a day.

In gratitude for her help, the boss offers to drive his secretary back to her flat. Once there, she invites him in for a drink, and while they are unwinding, realise that they have barely eaten all day. The secretary offers to rustle up a quick meal, the boss agrees, and pops out to buy a bottle of wine.

During a delightful dinner, they get along increasingly well, and finish the evening in bed. After such a tiring day, unsurprisingly, they soon drop off to sleep.

The boss awakes, looks at his watch, and sees in a panic that it is 3a.m. He jumps up, pulls on his clothes, and calls to his secretary "Quick, get some whisky and rub it in my hair. Then dust this billiard chalk all over me."

He gets in his car, races home, and his wife, sitting up, opens the door.

"I'll tell you what happened," he says. "My secretary and I were rushed off our feet at work. We finished late, so I gave her a lift home. Then she invited me in for a drink, made me a lovely dinner, and after that, we ended up in bed."

"Don't give me that rubbish!" screams his enraged wife. "Do you think I'm a fool?! You stink of whisky and are covered in chalk. You've been down that appalling club with your friends playing that 'snooker'."

[bongo]

A Joke (Please don't fall asleep!)

OK, here is my joke,


There is a 7 year old, and all he could ever think about was tractors, all of the time he thought about tractors, he loved them, and he went to as many tractor fayres as possible. He went to this one tractor fayre, and he saw his favourite tractor, he was so excited, and he went to sit in it and he loved this tractor. Then, a nasty man came along and he said,
"Get out of my tractor!"
"Sorry, Sorry, I love this tractor, can I just sit in it?" said the little boy,
"No, get out!"
The little boy ran away,
"I don't like tractors anymore", and he started crying,

Then, 20 years later, When he was a man, not a young boy, he was walking down the street and there was a horrible house fire, horrible, and everyone was standing outside seeing this massive fire. Lots of fireman were there,
"Who's in there" said the man to the fireman.
"There is a mother and two children in there, its just too thick, we can't get them down, we've got all the best equipment, but the fire is just too thick" replied one of the fireman.
"I'll do it, I'll go and get them"
Then, the man ran into the burning house fire, risking his life, then 10 minutes later, he came out with the first child, the crowd were screaming and cheered for the man. He went in again, and he got the second child, then he went in again and he managed the get through the almost distroyed house, and got the mother, in very thick flames.

The crowd went wild and applaused for this new hero, then one of the fireman asked him,
"How did you do that, we've got all of the best equipment in the world, and you just went in, no equipment, and saved them, how?"
The boy replied, "Its easy, i'm an Extractor fan".


Extractor Fan, Ex-Tractor Fan!!!

Get It!!!!!

I have to admit, it was not a joke I made up, it was John Parrott's on the Greatest Snooker Trickshots DVD by Steve Davis.

Does anyone think i'm funny or have you all fallan asleep by now!...

It was clean!