Jokes

[Nina]

Workout at the gym

For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1
They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be great.

Day 2
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel great

Day 3
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7
Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist's.

[dannyd0g]

A woman complains to the police about a flasher. She said he pulled up in his car and asked her to help him with directions. He had a map in his lap, which when she leaned in to look, he moved to reveal that he had his c*** out.

As part of their procedures the police had to ask her "was he in a state of aurosal ?"

"No", she said, "I think it was a Ford Fiesta"

[missneworleans]

A short course of survival for people who were left without car

• To look back, u need to turn u're head

• Don't wink to passing cars, they won't let u pass

• If u're driving with unknown person on a car, u pay

• When u're late to work, say that bus was broken, don't say u were in traffic with speed 5 km/h

• If u went to supermarket, don't take a wagon, u won't take it all to home anyway

• If u have sunglasses, that doesn't mean that nobody can see u

• If full drive is turned on, that means you are drunked and u're crawling on four legs

And rememeber about the pluses being without car

• U're not scared of police

• U can ride on the pavement

• U don't need to be in traffic

• U can ride drunked

• At bus at rush hour u can push someone's ass, and u won't be punished for this

• U can smoke, talk on mobile phone, drink, watch at women, riding car, and u won't be a reason of accident

• Women, what are passing u, are not making u angry

• There's no problems with parking in the city centre

• U won't be stopped c'os of too dark sunglasses

• When u will finally drive a car, u will finally understand what is happiness

[Marc]

An Irish family have been found frozen to death outside the Dublin Odeon. They have been queing for 3 weeks to see "Closed for the Winter"

[jimbo]

A few from my repertoire...

Where do you weigh a pie?
.
.
"Somewhere over the rainbow"



What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
.
.
A carrot.



If your wife and your mother-in-law were drowning and you were given the choice....................would you go for a meal or go to the movies?



What's yellow and swings from tree to tree?
.
.
Tarzipan.



Two bassdrums and a cymbal fell off a cliff.... badoom tisssshshhh!



A shepherd was taking his driving test, and the instructor said "Can you make a U-Turn?" He replied, "No but I can make its eyes water".



A friend of mine got run over by a train the other day... he was chuffed to bits.



Groan..

[snookersfun]

DOGS' PERSONALITIES

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Afghan: Light bulb? What light bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're worrying about a burned out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Daschund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the border collie's ear and he'll do it.

Rotweiller: Make me!

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeasze let me change the light bulb. Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Beagle : Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I ate was a light bulb?

Siberian Husky: Light bulb?!? I ate the light bulb... and the lamp... and the coffee table it sat on, and the carpet under the coffee table and...

Cat: You need light to see?

[snookersfun]

Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than Kids


10. Dogs don't like Barney.
9. Never borrows the car and wrecks it.
8. Doesn't notice if your clothes are dorky and your hairstyle
is from the 50's
7. Won't grow up to blame you for sending them into years of therapy
6. Won't tie up the phone for hours
5. Cute little puppies grow up to be dogs. Cute little babies
grow up to be teenagers.
4. You can give them dippy names.
3. They never criticize your cooking.
2. Nothing you do can gross them out.
1. You can bury a dog in the backyard, no questions asked.

[Nina]

CATS

An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.

At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough.

Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.

Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.

Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.!"

[snookersfun]

Yes, Nina, Cats are good as well:

Laws of Physics as Applied to Cats

Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until the cat gets good and ready to stop.

Aerodynamics: If it flies, a cat will chase it.

Bag/Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Dinner Table Attendance: A cat will attend all meals when anything good is served.

Disinterest: A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest the cat.

Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Elongation: A cat can make its body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Embarrassment: A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to the cat's embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Energy Conservation--First Law: A cat knows that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will therefore use as little energy as possible.

Energy Conservation--Second Law: A cat knows that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Fluid Displacement: A cat immersed in milk will displace its own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Furniture Replacement: A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Gravity: The cat knows that gravity works, even when sound asleep.

Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Landing: A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Milk Consumption: A cat will drink its weight in milk, squared, just to show you that the cat can do it.

Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Obedience Resistance: A cat's resistance varies in direct proportion to a human's desire for the cat to do something.

Obstruction: A cat will lay on the floor in such a position as to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek (and usually take over) the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Sleeping: A cat will sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as possible, while maintaining the cat's own comfort.

Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Total Composition: A cat is composed of "Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter!"

[davis_greatest]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[Marc]

You should learn to be more polite
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"

Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"

Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."

Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"

[missneworleans]

Cats and Mice and Heaven

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer.

The mice answered, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"


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Pregnancy

A woman telephoned a veterinarian and asked him to come examine her cat. "I don't know what's wrong with her," the woman told him. "She looks as if she's going to have kittens, but that's impossible. She's never been out of the house except for when I had her on a leash." The vet examined the cat and said there was no question about her pregnancy.

"But she can't be," protested the woman. "It's impossible."

At that point a large tom cat emerged from under the sofa.

"How about him?" asked the vet.

"Don't be silly," answered the woman. "That's her brother."


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HELP WANTED

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.

The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Miaow!"


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Vet Clinic

A man runs into the vet clinic with his dog. The doctor says "What seems to be the problem?" The man, frantic, says, "Well, he just isn't acting right, Doc. Can you do something for him?" At this point, a cat comes sauntering into the room. The cat walks in a circle around the dog, checking him out. "Oh, don't mind him, that's my cat", says the doctor. "Anyway, your dog seems to be okay now. Take these pills and give them to him once a day. Call if you have any more problems."

Well, the dog recovered nicely. A few days later, the man receives the vet's bill in the mail. $10.00 for medicine, $450.00 for lab tests.

The man rushes to the phone-calls the doctor.

"Doctor! This bill! I'm sure you didn't run any lab tests! I don't understand! What's the $450.00 for??"

The doctor replies, "Oh, sure, that's for the cat scan."

[missneworleans]

Cat Jokes

• Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.
• Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.
• What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
• What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A peeping tom.
• Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
• What is a cat's favourite song? Three Blind Mice.
• What did the freshman computer science major say when he was told that the work stations had mice? Don't you have a cat?
• What is a cat's way of keeping law & order? Claw Enforcement.
• How did a cat take first prize at the bird show? He just jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it.
• Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court? For kitty littering.
• Why did the litter of communist kittens become capitalists? Because they finally opened their eyes.
• Why are cats better than babies? Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.
• What is the name of the unauthorized autobiography of the cat? Hiss and Tell.
• What do you get when you cross an elephant with a cat? A big furry creature that purrs while it sits on your lap and squashes you.
• What does a cat do when it gets mad? It has a hissy fit.
• What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? The purrpatrator.
• What happened when the cat went to the flea circus? He stole the whole show!
• What is a cat's favourite colour? Purrrrrrrple!
• Where does a cat go when it loses its tail? The retail store.
• What does a cat like to eat on a hot day? A mice cream cone.
• What do cats use to make coffee? A purrcolator.
• What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck filled fatty puss.
• If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on? Their paws.
• Why is the cat so grouchy? Because he's in a bad mewd.
• If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat? None! They were copy cats.
• Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you? That depends on whether you're a man or a mouse.
• How does the cat get its own way? With friendly purrsuasion.
• What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew.
• What has more lives than a cat? A frog because it croaks every night.
• What is a cat's favourite subject in school? HISStory.
• What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.
• How do cats end a fight? They hiss and make up.
• What's happening when you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?" It's raining cats and dogs.
• Why are cats such good singers? Because they're very mewsical.
• What do you call newborn kittens who keep getting passed from owner to owner? Chain litter.
• What is the cat's favourite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
• How many cats can you put into an empty box? Only one. After that, the box isn't empty.
• Why do you always find the cat in the last place you look? Because you stop looking after you find it.
• If a cat can jump five feet high, then why can't it jump through a three foot window? Because the window is closed.
• What is a cat's favourite movie? "The Sound of Mewsic."
• What does a cat that lives near the beach have in common with Christmas? Sandy Claws.
• Where is one place that your cat can sit, but you can't? Your lap.
• Why did the cat put oil on the mouse? Because it squeaked.
• What side of the cat has the most fur? The OUT-side.
• What is a cat's favourite car? The Catillac.
• What kind of cat will keep your grass short? A Lawn Meower.
• Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats? Because each of them was guilty of purrjury.
• What do you use to comb a cat? A catacomb.
• Why did the cat run from the tree? Because it was afraid of the bark!
• Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? Because he's always spotted.

[Q Ball]

Jokes

A young woman had been taking golf lessons all week long. She`d just begun her first game of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense, she couldn`t continue her game. She decided to go back to the clubhouse and get some medical attention.

Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked,"Why are you back so soon?" What`s wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee," she answered.

"Where?," he asked.

"Between the first and second holes," she replied.

He nodded his head knowingly and said,"Then your stance is too wide."


Q

[davis_greatest]

He nodded his head knowingly and said,"Then your stance is too wide."

I don't see how her stance has any bearing on the distance between the said lady's ears, but moving on...

In the beginning,- God created the earth and rested. Then, God created man and rested. Then God created woman.


And since then, neither God nor man has rested.