Jokes

[Q Ball]

Husband and wife in bed together.

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

She says "Oh that feels good".

His hand moves to her breast.

She says "Gee, honey that feels wounderful"

His hand moves to her leg.

She says "Oh, honey, dont stop."

But he stops.

She asks,"Why did you stop?"

He replies. "I've found the remote control"


lol
Q

[Q Ball]

Jokes

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when the wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he asks. "That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name Mary Ellen written on it," she replies.

"Don't be silly," he says, "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on.

" She seems satisfied and at this, she apologizes.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes around, he asks again, "what was that for?!" She responded,

"Your f #@king horse phoned."
__________________________________________________ _____________

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

__________________________________________________ ______________

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little MARK.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little MARK says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little MARK replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
__________________________________________________ _____________

Q

[RaNeN]

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when the wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he asks. "That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name Mary Ellen written on it," she replies.

"Don't be silly," he says, "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on.

" She seems satisfied and at this, she apologizes.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes around, he asks again, "what was that for?!" She responded,

"Your f #@king horse phoned."
__________________________________________________ _____________

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

__________________________________________________ ______________

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little MARK.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little MARK says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little MARK replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
__________________________________________________ _____________

Q

. COOL ONES!

[missneworleans]

Cat Translations!

• miaowbu- Feed me.
• meeow- Pet me.
• mrooww- I love you.
• Miioo-oo-oo- I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don't wait up.
• mrow- I feel like making noise.
• rrrow-mawww- Please, the time is come to tidy the cat box.
• rrrow-miawww- I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical.
• miaowmiaow- Play with me.
• Miaowmioaw- Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?
• mioawmioaw- Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture.
• raowwwww- I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy.
• mrowwwww- I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.
• Roww-maww-roww- I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.
• gakk-ak-ak- My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting.
• mow- Snuggling is a good idea.
• moww- Shedding is pretty good, too.
• mowww!- I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.
• Miaow! Miaow! - I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.
• Mraakk! -Oh, small bird! Please come over here.
• ssssRoww!- I believe that I have found a woodchuck or similar animal.
• mmmrowmmm- It is certain that the best tasting fish is one you have caught yourself.
• mmmmmmm- If I sit in the sunshine for another hour or so, I think I shall be satisfied.
• Mreoaw- Please ask room service to send up another can of tunafish.
• Mreeeow- Do you serve catnip with that?
• mroow- I have forced my body into a tiny space in order to look cute. How'm I doin?
• Miaooww! Mriaow!- Since you are using the can opener, I am certain that you understand the value of a well-fed and pampered cat. Please continue.
  
  
  
  Does Your Cat Own You ??!!
• Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?
• Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?
• Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
• Do you scoop out the litter box after each use? Do you wait at the box with the scoop in your hand?
• Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on the drapes or licks the butter?
• Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?
• Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?
• Do you kiss your cat on the lips?
• Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?
• Does your cat sit at the table (or ON the table) when you eat?
• Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it?
• Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?
• Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?
• Did you buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat?
• Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?
• Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?
• Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? Do you spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?
• Do the Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting on Santa's lap? Does your cat sign the card?
• Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?
• Does your cat eat out of cut crystal stemware because you both watched the same commercial on television?
• Do you microwave your cat's food? Prepare it from scratch?
• Do you climb out of bed over the headboard or footboard, so you won't disturb the sleeping cat?
• At the store, do you pick up the catfood and kitty litter before you pick out anything for yourself?
• Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays?
• Does your cat "insist" on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an omelette made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout?
• Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet? Do you bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children? (Pollsters claim that 40 percent of cat owners carry their pet's pictures in their wallets, by the way.)
• When people call to talk to you on the phone, do you insist that they say a few words to your cat as well?
• Do you accept dates only with those who have a cat? If so, do you eventually double-date with the cats to see how they get along?
• When someone new comes to your house, do you introduce your cat, by name, to them?

[MrRottweiler]

I got stung by a wasp today...........



..................................................



FOR 50 QUID!!!!

[berolina]

Get some nuts!

[missneworleans]

Lol Berolina funny one

[Lindea]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFAWR6hzZek

(it's like watching my mum with a PC )

[Nina]

Drink fault-finding guide

A solution to all of your drinking troubles

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.

[April madness]

smile as the summer has started

Mrs. Jones stared at the fortune card that had emerged from the weighing machine in response to her husband's penny.

She said, "It says here, George, that you're suave, intelligent, farseeing, industrious and attractive to women." With that she turned the card over and added, "And they have your weight wrong, too."

[April madness]

In heaven, there are two gates for married men: The gate for married men that say that they are the boss, and; the gate for married men who admit that their wife is the boss.

Saint Peter was strolling near the two gates one afternoon. In front of the gate for married men who admit that their wife is the boss, was a big long line. In front of the gate for men who say the they are the boss was one fellow, standing all by himself.

"Say Buddy, what are you doing over by THAT gate?" inquired Saint Peter.

"Well, Saint Peter, I'm really not sure," replied the man "but this is where my wife told me to stand."

[Lindea]

George W. Bush comes to heaven (don't ask me how THAT happened) and stands before Saint Peter.
Saint Peter: "And who are you?"
Bush: "I'm George W. Bush"
Saint Peter: "Can you prove that?"
Bush: "Why do I have to Prove that? Can't you see who I am somewhere?"
Saint Peter:"It's standard procedure. Everyone has to prove who they are. Einstein had to do it, Picasso had to do it..."
Bush: "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter: "Ok, you can go in."

[April madness]

"Was your friend shocked over the death of his mother-in-law?"

"Shocked - he was electrocuted."

[imy147]

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a
double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana .

The Brunette

team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode
on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great
time,when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes
upstairs.

She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear,
staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them
with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a
great time downstairs!";

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...


Yeah but uve got a driver!

Hahahaha i just cracked up when i saw this!

[April madness]

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?' " So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."

And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"