Jokes

[Marc]

I was driving along and smashed into the back of a car today, A little midget guy got out,came over and said "Im not f...ing happy"

I said, "So which one are you then?"

[Mitsuko]

Can someone please lend me a coat? As i'm of to Leeds tommorow and i've heard its going to be -15

[samasnookerfan]

Don't know what this thread has to do with Snooker but I thought i'd write down a few of my favourite jokes.

A psychic dwarf escapes from jail. The headlines of the paper the following morning; SMALL, MEDIUM AT LARGE

Two squint-eyed men bumped into each other on the street. One of them said; 'Look where your going!' and the other replied;
'You go where your looking!'

A cowboy walks into a saloon and orders a whisky. Outside there is lot of comosion as they are going to hang someone, so he asks the bar-man; 'Who are they lynching today?'
'Brown paper Jake,'
'Whys he called brown paper Jake?'
'Because he wheres brown paper shirts, brown paper waistcoats, brown paper trousers, why he even wheres brown paper boots.'
'Whats he being hung for?'
'Rustling'

[ADR147]

Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting Bondi Beach, Australia. He spotted a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, "What are all those little black things out there?"

"They're buoys," said the Aussie.

"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"

"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.

"Great country this!" said the South African, deeply impressed. "We'd never get away with that at home!"

[MrRottweiler]

A Lord is enjoying a bath before bed when his butler called Wuddle knocks on the bathroom door:

"Do you require anything more tonight Sir?" the butler asks.

The Lord shouts back:

"No thank-you Wuddle. I have everything I need. You can retire to your quarters now".

A short while after the Lord lets one rip in the bath. A real belter. Moments later the butler bangs on the bathroom door and exclaims:

"I have the water bottle you asked for sir".

The Lord is confused:

"Water bottle? I didn't request that. You must be mistaken".

Wuddle replies:

"But sir, I heard you quite clearly shout......

WUD ABOUD A WADDER BODDLE WUDDLE!!!


...............

[ADR147]

oh dear mine was poor but thats criminal!

[missneworleans]

• -Today ate soup from tortoise.
  -And what?
  -I don't know...from dish is better

• -Why is your child is shouting? What does he want?
  -He wants to shout!!!

• Doughter is learning to be a cooker
  Mother:
  -Are you allowed to eat meals that you made?
  Daughter(with tears):
  -We must...

• Be accurate! If u get e-mail with proposition to get 1 million dollars, don't go there! Maximum u can get is 800 thousand dollars!

• U are asking who will win- elephant or whale?
  We are answering- whale will win easily, that's why elephants don't swim so far

[MrRottweiler]

-Why is your child is shouting? What does he want?
-He wants to shout!!!

Patient: Doctor Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains!
Doctor: Look, I'm just an ordinary GP. But I know a great clinical psycologist.

[RaNeN]

Son: Mom, Whn I went to pee last night the bathroom lights came on as soon as I opened the door.
Mom: Slap! How many times have I got to tell you thats our fridge!

[Nina]

I'm always nagging my friends about drinking and smoking, here's a different approach...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said,
"Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?"
"Why Yes, John, that would be nice," said Marie.

Well, John couldn't believe his luck.
All week long he polished up his car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner
to the finest restaurant in Raleigh.
When they sat down, John looked over at Marie and said,
"Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, John, "said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner.
Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.
"Hey, Marie," said John, "Would you like a smoke?"

"Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car
and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn.
He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.

"Hey, Marie," said John, "how would you like to stop at this motel with me?"

"Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie.

Well, John couldn't believe his luck.
He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything,
and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie.

The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in the bed.

"What have I done? What have I done?" thought John.

He shook Marie and she woke up.
"Marie, I've got to ask you one thing", said John.
"What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them.........

You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."

[MrRottweiler]

Yesterday I went for a lovely walk through the countryside. The sun was shining and flowers blooming and I saw a few sheep as well. After an hour I came accross a style which needed some negotiation but I then found myself in a clearing with a stream running through it. Such a peaceful location to find myself in. Then further on upstream was a farmers field but thankfully there was a public foot path so I was able to get quite close to several horses enjoying the sun just like me. Oh listen to me harping on....

I do tend to ramble!

[Nina]

The perfect man

A man walks into the street and manages to hail a taxi that was passing.
Cabbie: "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
C: "Frank. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time... like my coming along when you needed a cab. Things happened like that to Frank every single time."
P: "There are always a few clouds over everybody..."
C: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should hear him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
P: "Sounds like he was something really special."
C: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which forks to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank could do everything right."
P: "Wow, some guy then!"
C: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake."
P: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
C: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank."
P: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
C: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
P: "Then, how do you know so much about him?"
C: "Unfortunately, I married his widow".

[MrRottweiler]

Brilliant

Thanks Nina. I'm having a day from hell thanks to people who shouldn't be allowed near computers so thats helped!

[Nina]

Brilliant

Thanks Nina. I'm having a day from hell thanks to people who shouldn't be allowed near computers so thats helped!

Consider it a reconciliation gift on behalf of those people then.

[Q Ball]

very good... are women always like that tho??? very probably !

Q