Jokes

[ADR147]

OK, I changed the joke from billiards table to snooker and forgot to change that bit.

But I will now, just for you

6 legs!

[Nina]

Why don't cannibals eat comedians?



They taste funny.

[JPK123]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home in retirement in South Africa when he hears the doorbell ring. Answering it he sees a Japanese guy with a truck-load of car exhausts and a clip-board yelling "You sign, you sign!" Nelson tells him that he's at the wrong place and the guy goes. Next day he's pottering in the garden when the same Japanese guy turns again with a truck-load of mud flaps and starts yelling "You sign, you sign!" Nelson is getting a bit annoyed but still politely asks the guy to go and he does. Next day Nelson is just settling down for an afternoon nap when the door is virtually knocked off the hinges by someone hammering on it. When he opens it the same Japanese guy is there with a truck-load of windscreens yelling "You sign, you sign!" By now Nelson is getting very angry and says "Look, just go away leave me alone will you!" To which the Japanese guy stops and says, "What is problem? You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

[MrRottweiler]

I eat 20 Muller yoghurts yesterday.

I was mullered.

[MrRottweiler]

This is a tad risque so I appologise in advance.





There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play hes practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

[ADR147]

funny!

[samasnookerfan]

Heres some jokes a member of the 606 BBC forum posted on youtube: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=rWYSCTQSkdM

[MrRottweiler]

Whats the difference between a soprano and a piranha?





lipstick

[missneworleans]

What is 15 cm long, 7 cm width, and girls love it?

100 $

In dark room on sheet 2 hours of pleasure

cinema

Hair on hair, body and body, and there's a dark thing.

eyes

Smelly, red, for girls is dangerous

"Java" motorcycle

If stands up, will go to sky

rainbow

[The Statman]

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?

A: It is possible to sleep with a light on.

[Q Ball]

Martin Jol walks out of his local shopping centre and see's an old lady walking across the parking area with her bags. Jol approaches the lady - "Can you manage?" He asked, the lady replied:

"You got into this mess, you get us out!"



A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM
NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE
BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.

You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."


Morris and his wife Esther went to the seaside every year, and every year Morris would watch the helicopter giving pleasure flights and say,

"Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid."

One year Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid."

The pilot happened to be walking by and overheard the couple and said,

"Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty quid."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,

"By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but as you know, fifty quid is fifty quid."

[matt01]

The first witness

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within five minutes!”

[Marc]

A man staggers into hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his neck.

Doctor asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

"Well", said the man, "I was playing golf with the wife and we sliced our golf balls into a field of cows and I found one of the balls stuck in a cows arse. I yelled to the 'wife this looks like yours' and I don't remember anything after that"......

[MrRottweiler]

How many Pakistanis can you fit in a Mini?


Simple, four and possibly a small child

[matt01]

Kids on the Subject of Love

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)

"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the garbage." (Randy, 8)