Jokes

[davis_greatest]

A keen snooker player loves the game so much that he can't bear the thought of not being able to play after he's dead. So, he goes to a medium, and asks if there are snooker tables in Heaven.

The medium goes into a trance, starts mumbling, and finally she sits bolt upright and says "I have good news and bad news."

"What is the good news?" he asks.

"There is a magnificent snooker club in Heaven. The heated tables are reclothed every morning, with the fastest, finest baize you have ever seen, and there is free beer brought to every table from the bar."

"And the bad news?" he asks.

"You're booked in for the match table at 2 o'clock this afternoon."

[davis_greatest]

I went to play snooker this morning with a new practice partner. Everything went terribly - kept missing routine pots, overhitting position, messing up safeties.

At the end, I said "I've never played that badly before."

"Oh, come on," said my partner. "I don't believe that."

"Seriously," I said. "Never played that badly before in my life."

"Really?" he said, in disbelief. "You're kidding! You've played before?"

[davis_greatest]

A local vicar decides one Sunday morning to go alone to the local snooker club and play a little, for the first time ever, instead of giving the Sunday sermon. He leaves a note on the church saying he's too ill to read the service, and sneaks to the snooker club.

St Peter is looking down, sees the vicar, and says to God "I hope you're going to punish him."
"Watch this," God replies.

The vicar breaks off, a red shoots out, and flies into the middle pocket. He lines up the black, miscues, the white jumps in the air, lands on the black, which jumps onto the rail, rolls along, and finishes in the pocket.
Next, he takes on a red, misses by 5 feet, it goes round off 4 cushions, and knocks in a 3 ball plant. This goes on, until finally, 15 reds and 15 blacks having found the pockets, followed by the first 5 colours, he is on the final black. He swings the white, misses the black completely, the white goes round off 7 cushions, hits the jaw of the corner pocket, jumps up, ricochets off the light, lands back on the table, strikes the black, which rolls neatly into a corner pocket.

"I thought you were going to punish him?" says St Peter.

"I have," replies God. "Who is he going to tell?"

[ADR147]

i have played that vicar.

[ferret]

I just got this emailed to me from a friend;

A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart’s birthday, so he went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note. However, while wrapping the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed up the order and sent a pair of panties instead.

Here is the note the young man sent to his sweetheart:

Darling,

I chose these, because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen long ones with buttons, but because your sister wears the short ones that are so easy to remove, I decided to get the same style for you.

Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on for me and they looked really smart.

I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt many other hands will touch them before I see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so they don’t shrink. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love.

P. S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing

[ADR147]

thats a gem!

[Shaggy365]

Viagra

An elderly lady goes to the doctors.

"Doctor, I want some viagra for my husband."
"How old is he?"
"He's 84."

This takes the doctor back a bit, but since he's known the elderly couple all his working life, he decides to go along with the elderly lady's request.

"We have 4 different strengths of Vaigra. There's 100% for the full effect, 75% for a bit less, 50% for half and 25% as the smallest. Which strength would you like me to prescribe?"

Without batting an eye-lid the lady says "I'll have the 25% strength." "Are you sure" the doctor asks, "it isn't really that strong". "Oh yes" she says. "It's not for sex, it's just to stop him p***ing on his feet".

[Shaggy365]

A man is on a walk when he reaches the next little village. All around, there's not a single thing moving. There's no-one to see, no children, no pets, absolutely nothing moving.

Then round the corner of the road comes a funeral parade. There's the coffin followed by a really big man. He has granite-like features and has a large black dog on a thick leash. Behind him there's another man, and another man, and another man, in fact 39 men all following in single file.

The walker goes up to the man with the dog and says "It must be an importasnt person that's died". "No, comes the reply, it was my wife".

"Well she must have loved that dog very much for you to bring it to her funeral". The big man draws breath and says "That was the dog that killed her. It attacked her for no reason, just completely savaged her."

The walker stopped for a while and then said "I know this probably isn't the time or the place, but do you think I could buy that dog from you. I'll pay you well, and no-one need know."

So the big guy says "Get to the back of the queue".

[missneworleans]

Funny comments in snooker:

• One leg should be on the table
• Two tables on one table
• Red balls put his legs in the pocket
• King has 92 points, and if he pots 7 he will have 97!
• Ball didn't touch the pocket by it's fat body
• With one red on the table Ronnie started to add 35+27...
• Difficult situation, and Carter put himself in it...like in a bottle
• A player with name Bulldog: double here, double there...

[Shaggy365]

One day, a man came home from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightdress.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

[Shaggy365]

The Ice-cream man

Police were today called to investigate a strange incident in the high street. There was an ice-cream van with the proprietor laying dead inside. He had a flake in each ear, red syrup running down his face and hundreds & thousands in his hair.

The police have announced that they are not looking for anyone else in relation to this matter as they say that he topped himself.

[The Statman]

The results of a survey have just been published, which asked the opinions of 1,000 women on the size of their own arses.

30% said they thought their ares was too big; 10% too small.

The remaining 60% said absolutely perfect – and they wouldn't change him for the world!

[Nina]

The mother comes from the small town to visit her only son in the big city. The son, John, has a flatmate, Peter, who the mother suspects is her son's sweetheart. Staying at their flat for a few days provides her with clues but not evidence.

A few days after the mother has left, Peter says to John: "Do you have any idea where the frying pan is? I haven't been able to find it anywhere since your mother left." John finds it strange but decides to send an e-mail to his mother and find out.

The mail reads:
"Mother dearest,
I'm not saying you took our frying pan and I'm not saying you didn't. But the fact is, we haven't seen it since you left."

The mother's reply arrives the next day:
"John my precious,
I'm not saying you're having an affair with Peter and I'm not saying you aren't. But the fact is, if Peter were sleeping in his own bed, you would have found the pan by now..."

[frameandfortunereturns]

Job interviewer asking applicant question: Have you worked in an office before?

Applicant: Yes, I have.

Interviewer: What kind of an office was it?

Applicant: Rectangular!

[davis_greatest]

John walks into the pub, and his friends start laughing.

"You put on a great show with your missus last night, John," says one. "You left the light on and we could see everything going on projected on the curtains."

"Hahahaha!" laughs John. "The joke's on you, lads. I wasn't home last night."