Jokes

[Lindea]

Why do women simulate orgasms?



Because men simulate forplay...

[Shaggy365]

Two cows stood in a field. The first one takes a deep breath and says "Mmmmoooooooooooooooo".

The second one turns to the first and said "I was going to say that!"

[The Statman]

A bloke comes home from work and his wife is in the kitchen. He calls out to her, "Make love to me!"

Immediatedly she strides out of the kitchen, tears off her clothes and makes mad passionate love to him, there and then in the hallway.

"See," he says, "you can't resist me!"

"It's not that," she replies, "the egg-timer's broken."

[Viktortheman]

if a smart guy and a stupid guy jumps from a building who will land on the ground first? the smart or the stupid one?









answer: the smart of course because the stupid guy must stop and ask for the way down

[ADR147]

what goes clipperty clop bang - clipperty clop bang?










an armish drive by.

[ADR147]

I like this one!

Character test.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By
giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in
which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.


THE SITUATION:
You are in England, York to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly
hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing
into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.


THE TEST:
Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...
You suddenly realize who it is... It's Gordon Brown! You notice that
the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two
options:
You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic
Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the
country's most powerful men!


THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?

[Anastasia]

I would prefer black and white . Classic always is the best and this combination
is more appropriate for the situation .

[Black_cat]

Transatlantic flight. Passengers are asleep under their blankets. A man and a woman are stealthily making their way towards the bathroom.
'C'mon!'
'This one's available!'
'Bit crammed, lemme sit down!'
'Ohhh, perfume, you think of everything!'
'Mmmmmm!'
'Got the condom?'
'Yeah!'
'Put it on! C'mon already!'
'Ooooh! (deep sigh) Dang, that feels good!'
'Yeaaahh...'
At which the pilot's voice can be heard blasting on the intercom:
'YOU TWO IN THE BATHROOM! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND IT'S TOTALLY FORBIDDEN BY AIRLINE REGULATIONS! SO PUT YOUR CIGARETTES OUT AND TAKE THE CONDOM OFF THE SMOKE DETECTOR!'

[The Statman]

A man and his wife were in bed just before going to sleep and he said, out of the blue, "I don't know why I thought of this, but if I died and you found another man, would you let him sit in my armchair, wear my slippers and smoke my pipe?"

"Well I don't know, hadn't really thought about it – yes I guess I would."

"Oh right. And I died and you found another man, would you let him sleep right here in my half of the bed?"

"Well, I guess I would, yes," replied his wife.

"Oh right. And I died and you found another man, would you let him go down the golf course and play with my golf clubs?"

"There'd be no point," replied the wife, "he's left-handed."

[steedee]

Not a joke... and possibly slightly offensive.

but did anyone know that FIFA President Sepp Blatter's wife is called Fanny.

[ADR147]

fanny batter ?

[bongo]

OK, here is some of the worst jokes ever heard on the face of the earth...

Why should snooker never be free?

Becuase if it was too many players would be cueing up!

What do you do when you need a new set of snooker balls?

Ask for 22 free balls!

What do you give an ill snooker player?

A cushion and a rest!

[hoddle28]

3 bird watchers in a pub.... 1 says to the other, I call my wife Dove as she is small and petite. 2nd man says I call my wife flamingo, cos she is tall and slender. 3rd man says I call my wife Thrush...... Cause shes an irritating C**T

[noel]

3 bird watchers in a pub.... 1 says to the other, I call my wife Dove as she is small and petite. 2nd man says I call my wife flamingo, cos she is tall and slender. 3rd man says I call my wife Thrush...... Cause shes an irritating C**T

Dare I ask... what was your first post about?


=o)

Noel

[denden]

did you see on the discovery channel the other day that they found remains of a lesbian dinosaur............ the ilickalotapus