Jokes

[April madness]

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint:

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And...

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But...

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And...
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you...
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G ...
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bull**** and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

[noel]

.

ha HA ha ha ha HaHa aHa ha aHa HaHaaaaH Ha Ha ha ha ha HaHa aHa ha aHa ha ha ha HaHa HaHaaaaH Ha Ha ha ha ha

[philip in china]

So Noel, the post above, got banned with 0 posts. Is that a record?

[DeanH]

So Noel, the post above, got banned with 0 posts. Is that a record?

Sorry, Noel was not banned, he died after fighting cancer for a long time, Ferret said at the time that unfortunately the website software does not have any other category other than Banned
Also the posts count was scratched, Noel was actually a regular poster with great foresight into the game.

[jrc750]

Really miss Noel, his posts were very different
Ohh and DeanH, he did get banned actually, and it was some time later we learnt he sadly passed away

[ADR147]

Really miss Noel, his posts were very different
Ohh and DeanH, he did get banned actually, and it was some time later we learnt he sadly passed away

yeah me as well - I liked the way he took the pi55, a genuinely funny guy.

[DeanH]

ah yes, I now remember, he did get banned

[willtyson]

The Pink Panther's To Do list:
- To do
- To do
- To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooo


Made me laugh, even if it is a little bit silly

[fred.england]

Not quite a joke but makes me laugh!!

Did you know that the word potato is the only word in the English language that starts with a "p" and ends in "otato"
I think I may get banned for that effort!!! Sorry folks haha

[fred.england]

Daffy Duck calls room service and asks for a condom. The receptionist asks "Shall I put it on your bill" and Daffy replies "Are you thucking thupid, I'll thuffocate!"...

[ADR147]

Daffy Duck calls room service and asks for a condom. The receptionist asks "Shall I put it on your bill" and Daffy replies "Are you thucking thupid, I'll thuffocate!"...

oh that one deserves a ban!

[willtyson]

These aren't my efforts just some funny ones I've heard recently. This is quite good:


My boss walked straight up to my desk as I was watching porn today and said, "Do you think I pay people to do that?"

"Probably," I replied, "You're not exactly the best looking bloke in the world."

[vmax4steve]

The Queen was visiting a military hospital and asked the bloke in the first bed what was wrong with him, what his treatment was and could she do anything to make his stay a little better.

The bloke replied " gonorrhoea ma'am, being treated with wire brush and Dettol. I'm afraid I didn't take head of the warning videos we were shown. There's nothing you can do to make me feel better, I just hope to be up about soon so I can continue to serve you and my country."

She goes to the next bed and asks the bloke in that one the same and he replies, " terrible piles ma'am, also being treated by wire brush and Dettol. Hope to be up and about as soon as I can so that I can continue to serve you and my country."

She then goes to the next bed and asks the bloke in that the same questions and he replies, " laryngitis ma'am, I am also being treated by wire brush and Dettol. I hope to be up and about as soon as I can to continue to serve you and my country, but there is one thing you could do for me. Ask the nurse to give me the wire brush and Dettol before those two dirty b*stards."

[fred.england]

The Queen was visiting a military hospital and asked the bloke in the first bed what was wrong with him, what his treatment was and could she do anything to make his stay a little better.

The bloke replied " gonorrhoea ma'am, being treated with wire brush and Dettol. I'm afraid I didn't take head of the warning videos we were shown. There's nothing you can do to make me feel better, I just hope to be up about soon so I can continue to serve you and my country."

She goes to the next bed and asks the bloke in that one the same and he replies, " terrible piles ma'am, also being treated by wire brush and Dettol. Hope to be up and about as soon as I can so that I can continue to serve you and my country."

She then goes to the next bed and asks the bloke in that the same questions and he replies, " laryngitis ma'am, I am also being treated by wire brush and Dettol. I hope to be up and about as soon as I can to continue to serve you and my country, but there is one thing you could do for me. Ask the nurse to give me the wire brush and Dettol before those two dirty b*stards."

Love it...haha

[culraven]

I was sat on the edge of the bed pulling off my boxers last night and the wife said to me, "You spoil them dogs"