Jokes

[dannyd0g]

"Tommy Cooper" Jokes
(Note - many of these gags are actually attributable to comedian Tim Vine)

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? ' And a voice said 'You are.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.

I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'. I said 'What for?' He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'

I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'. I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'. He said 'How can I help?'. I said 'Break my arms!'

My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.

One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down. 'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'

We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it? The Stewardess gave me chewing gum. I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out. This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do something religious'. So I took up a collection.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: 'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'. I said: 'What for, Officer?' He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says: 'I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station'. I said 'What For?'. He said: 'I've forgotten the way'.

So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Authur's Close'. He said, 'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos. So the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.

And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'. I said 'Why not?'. He said 'We don't give him any'

I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door. I said 'Is Jim in?'. She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me. So I asked again. Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow. 'Sorry luv' she said 'We buried him last Thursday'. 'He didn't say anything about a pot of yellow paint before he went, did he?'

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'. 'I'd like to stay here' 'Ok. Stay there'.

I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'. I said 'I want a second opinion'. He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.

When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent. I couldn't find any pitch, so I used creosote.

I went into this pub, and I ate a ploughman's lunch. He was livid.

I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner'. I said 'Dont worry - I'll get you a new cat'.

I went into this ice cream parlour and said 'I'd like a vanilla cone'. The assistant said 'Hundreds and thousands ?'. I said 'No - I'll just have the one'. He said 'knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken I've got is cold'. He said 'I should think so. It's been dead for two weeks'. 'Not only that', I said, 'It's got one leg shorter than the other'. He said 'What do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?'

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer.

I hurt my back the day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? ' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? ' 'No, because he's really heavy'

Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start'

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

'I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids...'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'your round.' The Other one says 'so are you, you fat b*stard'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'

So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My dog's died.''

'Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.''

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephant.

[Nina]

A man was mowing his front yard when his attractive, blonde, female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened the mailbox, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the blonde came out again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

She replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

[Nina]

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house.

I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
The moral of this story is:

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

[RaNeN]

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house.

I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
The moral of this story is:

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

HAHAHAHAHA....very nice...Nina!!

[Nina]

That joke is one of my favourites, along with this one:

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers" she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

[MrRottweiler]

At the risk of being ostracised or possibly even crucified.......

A 5 inch high wishing well goes to the Doctors and says:

"Doctor, Doctor I'm not a tall well"

[Nina]

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service."
RS: "Rye... Roon sirbees... morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen?" (Do you wish to order something?)
G: "Uh... yes... I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?" (How would you like them?)
G: "What?"
RS: "Ow July den? ...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What??"
RS: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so..."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes?"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means..."
RS: "Toes! toes! ...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin! I've got it!! You were saying 'Toast!' Fine. Yes, an English muffin would be fine."
RS: "We boder?"
G: "No... just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad??"
G: "I mean butter... just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy... tea... meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy... rye?"
G: "Whatever you say!"
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G: "You're very welcome."

[Nina]

A snooker one:

[The Statman]

A group of lighthousekeepers was stationed on an isolated rock many miles out to sea, and you can imagine that life could get a little boring at times.

However, every weekend they took it in turns to return to the mainland to be with their family. When they returned to the lighthouse, they brought something different along with them to keep the chaps occupied for the week.

The first week, one of them brought a Scrabble set.
The second week, one of them brought Cluedo.
And so it went on.

You can imagine his colleagues' surprise when one chap came back with a packet of tampons.

Puzzled, they said to him, "What on Earth are we going to do with them for the next week?"

He replied, "Well, I read the side of the box and listen to this – it says you can go swimming, jogging, play tennis, all sorts of things!"

[RaNeN]

An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.
He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen..."


Family is driving in their car on holidays. Frog crosses the road and husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out an takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.
Frog is greatful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.
Man says, "Please make my dog win the nexr dog race."
Frog asks to look at the dog which jumps out of the car.
The frog notices that the dog has only got three legs and tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulful his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.
Man says, "Well, then please help that my wife will win the next beauty contest in the area."
Frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car. Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.
The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog???"

Every Saturday morning the husband goes fishing. He gets up early, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.
So, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, makes his lunch, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck. Coming out of his garage, rain is pouring down in a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 miles per hour.
inutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to check the weather forecast. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies, "I know, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

A man returns from a foreign holiday and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor. We`ve had the results back from your tests and we`ve found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H. It`s a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we`re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me???" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but... it`s the only food we can get under the door."

A very handsome young man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.
The man said "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I`ll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and £2000 a month in living expenses".

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he`s driving a car.
The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie`s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago".
"Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie`s room and goes across the hall into Bob`s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.
Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?!"
Bob says, "I`m screwing Charlie`s wife while he`s in Chicago!"

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady`s teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves... "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No?"
"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size.
Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands!
Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big `Finished Goods Crate` and start the process all over again."
And she didn`t laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before the colleague was about to have a heart transplant. The woman, concerned about her friend`s welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said, "Doctor, I`m worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"
The doctor replied, "Well, she`s 34-years-old and is in extremely good health, apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?"
The patient`s friend replied, "She`s been working since she was 18-years-old, but what`s that got to do with anything?"
"Well," said the doctor, "if she`s been working for 16 years and hasn`t rejected an organ yet, I don`t think she`s about to start now!"


A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She`s laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre door to go in and check whether everything is ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat.
The second man comes over and does the same examinations.
When a third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We`re just painting the corridor."

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
``But how will I let you know the baby is born?`` she asked. He replied, ``Just send me a postcard and write `spaghetti` on the back. I`ll take care of expenses.``
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor`s wife called him at the office and explained, ``Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don`t understand what it means.``
The doctor said, ``Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.`` Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, ``Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.``

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor`s office. "We have come for an examination," said the young girl.
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that pulled curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me," said the girl. "it`s my old aunt here."
"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

[austrian_girl]

ATTENTION: not for underage people

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange about the wellies that the Irish guy's wearing.
She says to him "Scuse me mate, I ain't bein fannny or naffink, but why doz one of your wellies ave an L on it, and the uva one's got an R on it?"
So, the Irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of Guinness andreplies, "Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R is for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot."
"Cor, blimey!" exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them."

[The Statman]

Two old women were the only smokers in their nursing home, and they had to smoke on the doorstep. One day it was raining so hard it kept extinguishing their fags.

The following day one said to the other, "I was in the chemist's this morning and I found the perfect thing to protect our cigarettes from the rain. It's called a condom and you can get them in various sized packs. You can just wrap it over the cigarette and it's entirely waterproof."

"Great," replued the other, "I'm going there tomorrow so I'll get some."

The next morning the second woman is walking past the chemist when she remembers their conversation the previous day. She went in and said "I'd like a packet of condoms, please."

The pharmacist replied, "Certainly, Madam. What size would you like?"

She replied, "Oh, it doesn't really matter as long as it fits a Camel."

[MrRottweiler]

Why should you never invite Darth Vadar over for Christmas?

......


Because he feels your presents.

[Nina]

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border...
The Italian Customs agent stops them and says:
- It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro.
- Vot do you mean iz illegal? asks the German driver.
- Quattro meansa four, replies the Italian official.
- Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile, the Germans retort unbelievingly. Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons.
- You can'ta pulla thata one on me! replies the Italian customs agent. Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law.
The German driver replies angrily
- You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!
- Sorry, responds the Italian official, he can'ta. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.

[Nina]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

• Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
• Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
• If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
• Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg fits, etc.
• Get in the shower.
• Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide4 loofah, and pumice stone.
• Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
• Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
• Condition your hair with grapefruit and mint enhanced conditioner.
• Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 min until red.
• Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
• Rinse conditioner off hair.
• Shave armpits and legs.
• Turn off shower.
• Squeeze off all wet surfaces in shower.
• Dry with towel the size of a small country.
• Wipe up any water that got on the floor.
• Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
• Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
• Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
• If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

• Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leaving them in a pile.
• Walk naked to the bathroom.
• If you see wife along the way, make the "woo woo" sound.
• Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
• Get in the shower.
• Wash your face.
• Wash your armpits.
• Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
• Wash your hair.
• Pee.
• Rinse off and get out of shower.
• Partially dry off.
• Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
• Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
• Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
• If you pass wife, pull off towel, and make the "woo woo" sound again.
• Throw wet towel on bed.