Jokes

[Nina]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts at the bartender: "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy sitting next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, you should know something: the bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225 lb and is a rugby player.The fella to your right is 6'5", pushing 300 and is a wrestler. Each one of us IS blond. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke??"

The blind guy says: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!"

[RaNeN]

A man was in the changing room of a golf club.
A mobile phone on a bench rings and he engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure… go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$70,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
He smiles and asks:

"Anyone knows........who this phone belongs to"

[Nina]

Once upon a time there was a little red man, who lived on a little red street, in a little red house.
One morning this little red man woke up and looked out of his little red window at the little red sun. He thought it was a glorious little red morning.
So he jumped out of his little red bed and skipped down his little red hallway into his little red bathroom. He threw off all his little red clothes and turned on his little red shower.
While he was splashing around in his little red shower, he heard a bang on the door. He quickly turned off the little red shower, put on a little red towel, ran down his little red hallway, opened his little red front door and saw there was a little red newspaper stuck in his little red rose bush.
He bent over to pull it out. As he bent down his little red towel fell off.

The lady sitting at the bus stop who had been watching the whole thing, jumped up and ran across the other side of the road and was immediately hit by a passing truck.

The moral of the story is:

Don't cross the road while the little red man is flashing.

[Nina]

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says "That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

[Nina]

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building and told her "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said
"How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

[Nina]

S.A.T. TEST QUESTIONS

The following questions and answers were actually collected from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16-year-old students!

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

[The Statman]

A little biy who lived opposite a fire station saw the activities across the road and decided he definitely wanted to be a fireman when he grew up.

So, when he got a toy sit-on tractor and a fireman's helmet for his birthday, he got a piece of string, tied it from the tractor to the cat, wore his helmet and pretended it was his fire engine.

One day a fireman who had been watching this kid came over to talk to him: "I don't mean to tell you how to run your fore station, young lad, but I think that if you tied the string round the cat's neck rather than round its balls your fire engine would go a lot faster."

"That may be true," replied the youngster, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[Nina]

The top six reasons computers must be female:

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as

"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

[April madness]

People = eating + sleeping + working + having fun

Pig = eating + sleeping

substitution: People = pig + working + having fun

equal: People - having fun = pig + working

conclusion: people who do not know how to have fun = a working pig

[Nina]

Continuing Education Courses for Women

Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.
Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet too.
Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .
Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.
Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.
Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN acquire.
Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.
Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
Introduction to Parking.
Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.
Water retention: Fact or Fat.
Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women notice.
Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
Ballet: For Women Only.
Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.
Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.
"Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat?" - Why Men Lie.
TV Remotes: For Men Only.

[Nina]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence-
HUSBAND: "sh*t"

[Nina]

A two-year degree is being offered at Life University that many of you should be interested in:
Becoming a Real Man.
That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man.
Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS - Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to getting in at 4am
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like an @**hole When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down - Elective (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise, Especially When Naked
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important II

Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discretely
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001B Cheaper to Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001A)

[MrRottweiler]

I recently went for a job as a fire fighter. Everything was going well in the interview until I told them my motto is 'always fight fire with fire'.

Needless to say I my application was unsuccessful.

[Nina]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE ), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, " It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

[pat39]

Two men are sitting on a park bench when a dog walks up and sits down in front of them. After a couple of minutes the first man says

"Excuse me, does your dog bite?"

The second man replies

"No he doesn't, he is very friendly"

So the man bends over to stroke the dog but the dog bites the man's hand

"You idiot, you said your dog doesn't bite"

The second man replies

"He doesn't, that's not my dog"