Jokes

[MrRottweiler]

A horse walks in to a bar and the barman says:

"Why the long face?"

and the horse replies:

"Actually, all horses have a long face but its no reflection on my current state of mind because I've just won £2 on a scratch card and have the rest of the week off work so I'm in a very optimistic mood"

[missneworleans]

What about snooker cartoons??

http://www.cartoonstock.com/director...ker_player.asp

[Snooker Rocks!]

People from the East want to share spirituality.

>WHY: because they need to share spirituality.
>WHY: because in the West people need it.
>WHY: because they're unhappy.
>WHY: because in the West people drink, they take drugs, they don't care.
>WHY: because they're empty.
>WHY: because they don't have God.
>WHY: because they don't need him.
>WHY: because they're actually quite happy
>WHY: because they drink, they take drugs, they don't care.

[Nina]

... TO TECHNICAL SUPPORT:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs & launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this Wife 1.0.
Can you help me, please!!! Otherwise, I'm screwed.
Thanks, Joe.

REPLY:
DEAR JOE SCREWED
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade form Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but end up with more problems than the original system.
Look in you manual under "Warnings-Alimony / Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF's).
You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command: C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case, avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal.
The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all the GPF's. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance to Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck.
Tech Support.

[April madness]

Occupational Descriptions


An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

A engineer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned person who used to think they liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

A maid knows more about the people in the household than their minister or the doctor.

An actor knows if you want a small or large order of fries.

[Nina]

John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy.
"I've got a problem," says Buffy.
"What's the matter?" asks John.
"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks John.
"It's of a big Rooster," replies Buffy.
"All right," says John, "I'll come over and have a look."
So he goes over to Buffy's house and Buffy greets him saying "Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table. John looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says
"For Pete's sake - put the Cornflakes back in the Box."


One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies
"When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"


Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

[The Statman]

A dyslexic man walked into a bra...

[Nina]

Signs and notices
These are actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE PER PRE-PACKED BAG DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR)

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

[Cessy143]

As you know, Glasgow will be applying to host the Commonwealth Games in 2014.

What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2014 to boost Glasgow' s bid. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.


OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of Ferguslie Park, in the traditional dress of balaclava and a burberry shell suit.
The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated
onthe roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Commonwealth Games, Scotland's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of
the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, Walls etc)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING
This event shall be sponsored by Cash Converters who shall also provide the hardware. The contest itself shall be based outside Kebab shops
in Ballieston, Riddrie, Drumpchapel, and Easterhouse....the winner shall be the
one who can leave A & E first.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages delivery man.
The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home.
The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgow University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding, underage drinking and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "Belle & Sebastian".

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow,especially anyone that appears to be mincing ...

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Govan Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rockthrowing, and music by the Dennistoun community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by confused old firm fans.

The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

[Semih_Sayginer]

regurgitated, but still great.

[Cessy143]

Good eh, still PMSL

[Cessy143]

Paddy the Tim is appearing on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.

Chris: " Paddy you've done very well so far. You've got £125,000 and one life line left - phone a friend. The next question will give you £250,000 if
you get it right but, if you get it wrong, you'll will be out of the game and drop to £32,000. Are you ready?"

Paddy: "Fire away"

Chris: "On the screen is a photo of a current Celtic player as a baby. Which celtic player is it? Now think about this carefully, Paddy, it's worth
£250,000. You're only three questions away from one million pounds."

Paddy: "I think I know who it is... er, but I'm not 100% sure... no I'm sure it's Lennon, I'm sure it's Lennon... Can I phone a friend, Chris, just to be
sure?"

Chris: "Yes Paddy, who do you want to phone?"

Paddy: "I'll phone Mick."

(ringing)

Mick: "Hullo?"

Chris: "Hello Mick, it's Chris Tarrant here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your mate Paddy the Tim here and he's doing really well On £125,000 but needs your help to get to £250,000. This is a visual
question, we're faxing you the photo now. Have you received it?"

Mick: "Yes, Chris."

Chris: "The next voice you hear will be Paddy's. He'll explain the Question and you'll have 30 seconds to answer. Fire away Paddy."

Paddy: "Hullo there, Mick."

Mick: "Hullo, Paddy."

Paddy: "Mick, that photo is a baby picture of which current Selick player. I'm sure it's Lennon, what do you think?"

Mick: "It's never Lennon, it's obviously Mcgeady."

Paddy: "You think so, Mick?"

Mick: "I'm sure."

Paddy: "Thanks, Mick."

(hangs up)

Chris: "Well, a difference of opinion there. Do you want to stick on £125,000 or play on for £250,000, Paddy?"

Paddy: "I want to play, I'm so sure it's Lennon I'm going to go with ma first answer: Neil Lennon."

Chris: "You're saying Lennon?"

Paddy: "I am."

Chris: "Are you confident?"

Paddy: "Yes... Fairly..."

Chris: "You have £125,000 and you saying Lennon. If you're right you go up to £250,000 and if you're wrong you walk away with £32,000. Is Lennon your final answer?"

Paddy: "It is, Chris."

Chris: "Paddy............ I'm afraid it was wrong, sorry Paddy. Here is your cheque for £32,000. You've been a great contestant and a real gambler.
Audience, please put your hands together for Paddy!"

(applause...)

Paddy: "Before I go Chris, what was the correct answer? It's killing me."

Chris: "Bobo Balde."

[Semih_Sayginer]

1 Celtic 17 9 0 0 19 4 5 2 1 15 8 22 44
2 Rangers 17 5 2 1 15 4 3 2 4 11 13 9 28



the bit coloured red is the joke.

[Cessy143]

And another......

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according
to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along
the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in
a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo'
sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath
the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the
'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

[Cessy143]

1 Celtic 17 9 0 0 19 4 5 2 1 15 8 22 44
2 Rangers 17 5 2 1 15 4 3 2 4 11 13 9 28

the bit coloured red is the joke.

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