Jokes

[Semih_Sayginer]

swings and roundabouts. sure the tide will turn in the next year or two.

anyway............jokes

[April madness]

more like this Sem

Ey, you're into the jokes today, Cessy

[RaNeN]

Cessy, you dont seem to read the jokes here.

The joke you posted today about how to shower, Was already posted.

[Cessy143]

Just in that kinda mood!

[Cessy143]

A Weegiesalesman

A Young Glasgow lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job in sales. 'Do you have any sales experience?' asked the manager. 'Oh Aye; uff dunnabitta sales stuff back up eh road anat, ar'ah Barras anat,know?', nodded the young Weegie.

The manager liked the lad, so he gave him the job. The young Scot's first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down to see how he was settling in.
So... how many sales did you make today'? He smiled at the boy. The Weegie said: 'Jist the wan'.

The manager was immediately disappointed. 'Wh-a-a-t? Just one?
Harrods's sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! Dear me! Oh well, how much was the sale for, anyway'?
£101,237.64' said the lad. The Harrods manager choked. 'Blimey...
One hundred and one thousand, two hundred and thirty-seven pounds and sixty four pence! What in Hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first ah selt him a wee fish hook, then a medium fish hook,
and then ah selt him a new fishing rod. Then ah asked him where he was gawin' fishing, and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he'd need a boat. So we went doon tae the boat department and Ah selt him thon
twin-engined Power Cat... then he said he didnae think his wee Honda Civic could pull it, so Ah took him doon tae car sales and Ah selt him a dinky wee 4x4 Suzuki...'.

The manager was now incredulous. 'Wait a minute; you mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a small fish hook but you sold him a boat AND a four-by-four? '

'Naw naw, big man... he came in tae buy a box of tampons furries missus and Ah said........ ."Well pal, seein' as how yer weekend's f*cked, ye might as well go fishin'..."' .

[April madness]

Just in that kinda mood!

Good good, I suppose that's because you're in the bedroom

[Cessy143]

Dear Deirdre

This is an authentic letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun Newspaper...!!


I am a sailor in the merchant navy.

My parents live in Torry, Aberdeen and one of my sisters, is married
to a guy from England.
My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for dealing crack
cocaine and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes..

I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life
sentence in Peterhead Prison for the rape & murder of a teenage boy
in 1994, the other currently being held in Craiginches on-remand
centre on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who
indeed is still a part time working girl in a brothel; however, her
time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We
intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the
possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilising her
knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two
sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would
prefer them not to prostitute it would at least get them off the streets
and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this:
I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family
and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
...
...
...
...
Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being English?

[Cessy143]

Management lesson

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to
someone else...........

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and
said I'll give you a £1000 if you let me make love to you....but the girl
said NO. Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a
moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....
so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for £2000, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
trousers down . So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......

She said "The ******* used coins".

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting sc***ed!!

[Cessy143]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
Hurrying up to the man she exclaimed "Please allow me to help - I'm a
physical therapist and I know I could ease your pain if you'd allow me."
she told him.

"Oh no, I'll be alright in a few minutes," he replied. He was in
obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful
massage for several long moments and then asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[Cessy143]

Classic extracts from Council tenants complaints letters.

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

3. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just
can't take it anymore.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt
my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he
put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. .... and their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls
against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet
roof. I think it was the bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the
wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday, and she is now pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen, 50% of the
walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are plain filthy.

12. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

13. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.

14. Will you please send a man to look at my water. It is a funny colour
and not fit to drink.

15. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

16. I want to complain about the farm across the road; every morning at
6am his cock wakes me up, and its getting too much for me.

17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden which is
unsightly and dangerous.

18. Our kitchen floor is damp.We have two children and would like a
third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

19. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat, and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every
night.

20. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy
my wife.

21. I have had the Clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I
still have no satisfaction.

22. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we
can't get BBC2.

[Cessy143]

For the golfers out there

A woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked,

"Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

[Cessy143]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in
because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy
daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this
bullet came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years
ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.

"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16
years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a
tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

[Nina]

Tech Glossary

486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete: Any computer you own.

Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.'

Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey')

Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

[Nina]

New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies...

• I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
• I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).
• I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
• I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
• I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
• I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week... okay, monthly then...or maybe...
• I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
• When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support."
• When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
• I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
• I will think of a password other than "password."
• I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.
• I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er...
• I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

Top10 Reasons E-Mail is Like a Penis:

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."

6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

4. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

And the number one reason "Why e-mail is like a penis."

1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind!

[Cessy143]

LOL Nina

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day.........

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce
the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the
pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went
into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the
liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into
hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.