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A Young Glasgow lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job in sales. 'Do you have any sales experience?' asked the manager. 'Oh Aye; uff dunnabitta sales stuff back up eh road anat, ar'ah Barras anat,know?', nodded the young Weegie.
The manager liked the lad, so he gave him the job. The young Scot's first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down to see how he was settling in.
So... how many sales did you make today'? He smiled at the boy. The Weegie said: 'Jist the wan'.
The manager was immediately disappointed. 'Wh-a-a-t? Just one?
Harrods's sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! Dear me! Oh well, how much was the sale for, anyway'?
£101,237.64' said the lad. The Harrods manager choked. 'Blimey...
One hundred and one thousand, two hundred and thirty-seven pounds and sixty four pence! What in Hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first ah selt him a wee fish hook, then a medium fish hook,
and then ah selt him a new fishing rod. Then ah asked him where he was gawin' fishing, and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he'd need a boat. So we went doon tae the boat department and Ah selt him thon
twin-engined Power Cat... then he said he didnae think his wee Honda Civic could pull it, so Ah took him doon tae car sales and Ah selt him a dinky wee 4x4 Suzuki...'.
The manager was now incredulous. 'Wait a minute; you mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a small fish hook but you sold him a boat AND a four-by-four? '
'Naw naw, big man... he came in tae buy a box of tampons furries missus and Ah said........ ."Well pal, seein' as how yer weekend's f*cked, ye might as well go fishin'..."' .
This is an authentic letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun Newspaper...!!
I am a sailor in the merchant navy.
My parents live in Torry, Aberdeen and one of my sisters, is married
to a guy from England.
My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for dealing crack
cocaine and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes..
I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life
sentence in Peterhead Prison for the rape & murder of a teenage boy
in 1994, the other currently being held in Craiginches on-remand
centre on charges of incest with his three children.
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to
someone else...........
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and
said I'll give you a £1000 if you let me make love to you....but the girl
said NO. Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a
moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....
so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for £2000, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
trousers down . So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......
She said "The ******* used coins".
Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting sc***ed!!
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
Hurrying up to the man she exclaimed "Please allow me to help - I'm a
physical therapist and I know I could ease your pain if you'd allow me."
she told him.
"Oh no, I'll be alright in a few minutes," he replied. He was in
obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful
massage for several long moments and then asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in
because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy
daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this
bullet came out," replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years
ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16
years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a
tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).
I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week... okay, monthly then...or maybe...
I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support."
When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
I will think of a password other than "password."
I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.
I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er...
I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
Top10 Reasons E-Mail is Like a Penis:
10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."
6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
4. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
And the number one reason "Why e-mail is like a penis."
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day.........
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce
the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the
pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went
into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the
liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into
hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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