Jokes

[Cessy143]

The Sausage Story

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money;
between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large
sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be
in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" They
downed their drinks.

Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on
your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They
continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for
free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more
o'this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third
pub."

[Nina]

Bless you, my bely hurt laughing!!

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says" I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about!" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

And he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like Heck they're getting a divorce" she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, "DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. They're coming for Christmas AND paying their own way."


Cunfusing Santa

18 Ways To Confuse Santa

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

17. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

18. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

[Cessy143]

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a
survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic
exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down
into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and
cook.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS.

They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods
in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the
unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced
"double-tap".

They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para's.

They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream,
fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of
their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle
and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war
cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the polis, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling
Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken
by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Charlie Alpha one to Hotel
Alpha suspect heading straight for Charlie Alpha two..." etc.

After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in
handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you're doing!" asks the incredulous trainer,
"Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours
ago!"

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and
turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are
awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in
bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police sergeant nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I'm a f**kin' rabbit!"

[Cessy143]

Raise in salary

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.
Iwork at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,
the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative
You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

[The Statman]

A dyslexic man walked into a bra...

[Cessy143]

NOAH

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.
I needed Building Regulations Approval because the Ark was over 30m2.
I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure, but the roof is too high. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

The Local Area Access Group complained that my ramp was going to be too steep, and the inside of the Ark wasn't fully accessible, then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree
Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific
Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the
accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so
many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The Labour government beat me to it."

[April madness]

Some picture jokes for those who work

[Cessy143]

A lady goes into a shop looking to buy a handbag.

After a while she see's one she likes and takes it to the till......

The cashier says 'That will be £140 please'

To which the lady replies,,,, '£140?, how can a tiny tiny handbag cost that much'??!!

The cashier replies 'Ma'am, this bag is made of foreskin,,,,,when you lick it, it turns into a suitcase'!!

[Cessy143]

The Bat Bet

Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night the bats made a bet to see who could drink the most blood.

The first bat comes home one night and has blood dripping off his fangs. The other two bats are amazed and asked how much blood he had drunk.

The first bat said, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people." The second bat goes out on his night and comes back with blood around his mouth. The other two bats are astonished and ask how many people's blood had he drunk. The bat said, "See that castle over there. I drank the blood of five people."

The third bat goes out on his night and comes back covered in blood. This was totally amazing to the other two bats. They ask how much blood he drank. The 3rd bat said, "See that castle over there?" and the other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."

[Cessy143]

Defense Lawyer's Good News

"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client.

"What's the bad news?"

The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."

"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"

"Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."

[Cessy143]

Who's the Boss?

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

[Cessy143]

Rubbing Her The Right Way

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

PMSL

[Cessy143]

Sexual Olympics

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.

"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"

[April madness]

That's a joke with a beard Cess

[Cessy143]

Chalkboard Culprit

One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, “penis” written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkbaord, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.
Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find “penis” on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to find it again, but instead the chalkboard read: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”