Jokes

[Cessy143]

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a **** job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."






I really should be in BUPA, just in case

[Cessy143]

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

[Cessy143]

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.

When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.

The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."

"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"

The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."

"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

[Cessy143]

The Irish Love Their Beer

A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness.

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU B*****D!!!"

[Cessy143]

Penis Problem

Paddy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.

Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.

The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a leprechaun that lives there. "Ask the leprechaun to marry you and each time the leprechaun says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the leprechaun on the other side, sitting on a log.


"Leprechaun, will you marry me?"

The leprechaun looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

Paddy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"

The leprechaun rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

Zappo! -- Paddy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Leprechaun, will you marry me?"

The irritated leprechaun yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"

[Cessy143]

Foreplay

Paddy finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy.

"Slow down, baby," she said. "Foreplay is an art."

"You better get your canvas ready soon," he panted, "Because I'm about to spill my paint!"

[Cessy143]

Pizza Parlour

An Irishman went into a pizza parlour in Dublin.

The waiter said: "Would you like you pizza cut in six of eight slices, sir?"

"Make it six, I don’t think I can eat eight."

[Cessy143]

I Not Come to Work

Hung Chow calls AIB where he works and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach-ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again, "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

[Cessy143]

Sean's Secret

A bunch of guys are sitting at the local bar. They get pretty drunk, and the topic turns to Sean at the end of the bar who, as everyone knows, has the biggest d*** in town.

One of the guys gets enough courage to go up to Sean and ask him why he's got the biggest schlong around.

“Well,” says Sean, “every night before bed, I tug on my d*** and tap it on the bedpost three times.”

“That's it?” asks the drunk.

“Yup,” says Sean.

So the guy goes home and quietly slips into his bedroom, pulls out his thing, tugs, and taps it on the bedpost three times. Suddenly his wife wakes up and says;

“Sean, is that you?”

[Cessy143]

Girls Night Out

Two Irish girls go out one weekend without their husbands and got somewhat inebriated.

Staggering on their way home, they both desperately need a wee and with no public toilets in sight the nearest venue was a cemetery, so they both ducked behind the fence to relieve themselves. After they'd
finished, the first woman took off her knickers to wipe herself and then
threw them away.

The other woman, realising she was wearing some very expensive knickers, didn't want to throw hers away and so looked around for something else and decided on using the ribbon off a nearby wreath.

So now, feeling a lot better, they carried on with their stagger home.

The following morning the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone. One commented, "I think we need to start keeping a closer eye on our wives you know. I reckon they're up to no good. My wife came home last night without any knickers on!"

The other one replied, "Tell me about it! If you think that's bad, my wife came home with a card stuck to her ar$e that read - "All the members of the Rathdown Fire Brigade will never forget you".

[Cessy143]

Skin Transplant

A newly married Irish couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[Cessy143]

An Irish couple were lying in bed one night. (Since they have small children, the universal-parent coding system for sex is washing machine.) The husband turned to his wife and said in a seductive voice, "washing machine." The wife, being the hard working parent she is, was tired and she said, "Not tonight, dear; I'm tired." He rolled away.

Five minutes later, he rolled back over and repeated "Honey, washing machine." She said, "I've got a headache."

He rolled away again. Ten minutes later, the wife, feeling guilty, turned to her husband and said, "OK, washing machine."

He replied. "That's OK. It was a small load and I did it by hand."

[Cessy143]

"So, have you figured what to buy the Missus for Christmas?" asked Brady.

"I, sure have, she decided it for me," answered Paddy. "She said she wanted something with diamonds in it, so I've bought her a pack of cards."

[austrian_girl]

Paddy finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy.

I hope not the same Paddy that first visited the leprechaun....

[Cessy143]

I hope not the same Paddy that first visited the leprechaun....

....LOL AG