Jokes

[Cessy143]

On subject of farmers today...give the Irish and blondes a wee rest....

The Cross-Eyed Cow

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.

"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.

"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."

[Cessy143]

This Little Piggy

A farmer had just bought some pigs for breeding, but didn't quite know how to do it. He soon found out that the vet would charge him $200 a pig. That was a little rich for his blood, so he figured he might be able to do it himself. So for three weeks, he'd load up all the pigs in the truck and take 'em to an isolated location where nobody would see him doing it. After three weeks, none of the pigs were pregnant, so he decided to forget about it for a morning. That morning, his wife happened to look out the window.
"Honey? What are you doing to those pigs?"

"What do you mean?" asked the farmer.

"One's honking the horn, and the others are rocking the back of the truck."

[Cessy143]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes...

A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day while taking a stroll she came upon a neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

[Cessy143]

There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.'' She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed.

One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''. The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?'' ''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?'' He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!''

[Cessy143]

The Bald Man

A bald man with one leg wanted to go to a fancy dress party but he didn't know what to go as. He wrote to a fancy dress company and asked for a recommendation. The reply came back saying that he could go as a monk becasue of his bald head. He replied angrily saying that they were just being rude about his bald head.

The company apologised and wrote back saying that he could go as a pirate, his bald head could be covered by the hat and his wooden leg would complemnt the outfit. He replied angrily saying they were just being rude about his wooden leg.

A few days later he recieved a parcel with a note. In the parcel was a pot of sticky toffee and the note said smear the toffee over your head, stick your wooden leg up your ar$e and go as a toffee apple!

[April madness]

Office Holiday Memo

To All Employees
From Management
Subject Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following
guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and
Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is
discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs
up an incredible long distance bill)

3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the
woods to Grandma's house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

[April madness]

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their
Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who
had the most important role.

Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister,
"Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a
virgin than it is to be an angel!"

[Cessy143]

Good one Maddy

[Ginger Freak]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things
are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who
is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have
an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a
season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a
hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at
the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane,
aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and
went 'bang, bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now,
what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a
couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Cessy143]

Like it GF.

[Ginger Freak]

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the
dining room table:

"To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being
54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I
value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope
that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending
the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please
don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight."


When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter
on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being
54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you
are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local
college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be
at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the
assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary,
is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent
knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation,
although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54
goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

[Cessy143]

....pmsl :d

[Cessy143]

A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left.

When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in fornt of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her ''Do you want a screw for that hinge?''

She looked back at him and said ''No, but I'll blow you for that toaster in the window!

[Cessy143]

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

[Ginger Freak]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."