Jokes

[elvaago]

What happens when all Canadian dumb blondes move to the US?

Both countries become smarter.

[Cessy143]

What happens when all Canadian dumb blondes move to the US?

Both countries become smarter.

Good one

[April madness]

............

[Cessy143]

www.thecompassgroup.biz/merryxmas.swf

[Cessy143]

Funny........

[April madness]

last one before I go home...

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where the hell was I going to find a fake Jeep ?"

[viv]

Father Christmas

Father Christmas came down the chimney and there was a glass of milk and some cookies waiting for him, he ate the cookies and drunk the milk, then he read the note from the little boy it said if you leave me a bike I will give you the antidote for the poison I put in the milk.

[Cessy143]

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some
individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during
the course of normal conversation with their colleagues. Due to
complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this
type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases
have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could do with more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't have a f*cking clue, do you?

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f*cking power-crazy b*tch.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f*ck do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: F*ck off a*se-wipe.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: Well f*ck me backwards with a telegraph pole.

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a f*ck.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: Not my f*cking problem, mate.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the
given timescale.
INSTEAD OF: No f*cking chance mate.

10) TRY SAYING: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f*ck didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his f*cking a*se.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Oi, f*ck face.

13) TRY SAYING: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway.
INSTEAD OF: Yeah, who needs f*cking holidays anyway.

[Nina]

I'm still laughing, my belly hurt!

[April madness]

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."

He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".

He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?"

"I'm going too!!" he replied.

"Why?" She asked.

"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!

[April madness]

A policeman interrogates three blondes who are training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well, uh, thats because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmm - the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspects file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I cant believe it. It's true! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

[Nina]

A blonde is driving and reaches the traffic lights at a roundabout. A homeless man offers to clean her windshield for 50 cents. She says ok and gives him the money.
A couple of minutes later she stops at traffic lights again and a man says "If you give me 50 cents I'll clean your windshield" so she gives him the money.
Minutes later, while waiting for a traffic light to change, a man says "Beautiful lady, for 50 cents I'll clean your windshield".
The woman is confused at this point and says ''I'll give you 5 euros if you tell me how it is possible to see you every time I stop at a traffic light!"
The man goes "Pretty lady, for 5 euros I'll tell you how to get out of the roundabout"!

[Cessy143]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit,

they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he
grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering
her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got
even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the
husband suggested that she let one of her

straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage,
flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."

[April madness]

LOL That was mean, Cessy

[Cessy143]

Here's another, this one made me chuckle


Guy makes his way gingerly down the stairs after a particularly heavy night on the sauce. His mind is a complete blank and he can't remember getting home.

He goes into the kitchen and his wife is standing over the stove with a sock in the frying pan.

"What are you doing? Have gone insane woman."

"I'm only doing exactly what you asked of me last night" she replied

The guy thinks to himself "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock".